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shadowsofthought — Blind Lives
Published: 2010-06-16 09:49:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 395; Favourites: 11; Downloads: 4
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Description
Drifting eyes,Lives capsized,
Lies we tell,
Minds we sell.
We look for illumination,
Inside our corrupt nations.
We sell our soul,
For power to behold.
Drums of war,
Bring back the scar,
And, I can lie no more.
Can't you see the signs ahead?
Isn't that why we once fled?
Clashes of steel
Like a lightning peal
Rip the sky,
From our very eyes.
And yet, we feed on the lies.
And yet, we don't see our soul suicide.
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Comments: 8
Firstly, I think the title is very intriguing.
It attracted my attention, and I found myself writing a critique for it.
All because of the title! 8D
(my point is: i love it)
anyway.
First stanza:
"Drifting eyes, lives capsized"
I like this phrase A Lot.
"Lies we tell, minds we sell"
Okay, I have a feeling that I'm going to be repeating what I just said.
This first stanza is awesome.
It even rhymes. I can't seem to get my stuff to rhyme properly.
Second stanza:
"We look for illumination / inside our corrupt nations."
I think the "inside" could just be "in".
The word 'illumination' is somewhat strangely used, but it fits well.
"We sell our soul"
You've just used the word 'sell' in the previous stanza so I guess you could change it to 'trade' instead. It also sounds nicer, I think.
"For power to behold."
It sounds slightly forced, but it's all right I guess.
Third stanza:
"Drums of war / bring back the scar"
Should it be "scars"? It seems more appropriate.
"And, I can lie no more."
The comma is unnecessary here.
Fourth stanza:
"Can't you see the signs ahead? / Isn't that why we once fled?"
This sounds questioning, demanding. I think it is meant to sound this way.
"Clashes of steel / like a lightning peal"
It should be "like lightning peals" because this "clashes of steel" phrase is in plural.
Fifth stanza:
"Rip the sky"
Awesome.
"From our very eyes."
Maybe "Right from our eyes" sounds better.
Last stanza:
"And yet, we feed on the lies."
You've mentioned 'lies' two times already so I suggest you scratch this off or rephrase it.
"And yet, we don't see our soul suicide."
I think it was supposed to be "our souls' suicides"
This would make a perfect ending, I think.
It could also be:
"And yet, we don't see
our souls' suicides"
or
"And yet,
we don't see our souls' suicides"
I feel that the phrase right before will numb the impact of this line.
If you prefer the phrase "we feed on the lies" you could edit it slightly.
Either way, I feel that the last line -whatever it may be- should stand alone.
And after I've finished reading the entire piece, I loved your title even more
Great job.
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lol thank you for the critique; I don't know if I'll actually follow up and fix it or not I will have to look at it. It was an odd piece for me and after so much time it may hurt it in my mind to fix it but if I do you will get full credit for the help. I'm glad the title caught your eye that is the point of most of my titles, to catch your eye; I find that the title for a piece is the most important it is what people judge it by, I know it's said not to judge a book by its cover but, you find yourself doing that by looking at a title you'll say "well, i've seen this too many times maybe not" or "oooohhh this is shiny i wanna read it" so yeah I tend to try and choose my titles wisely.
Again thank you for the critique it was a welcome surprise. If you want you can look through my other poems, I won't fault you for the critique with each critique my pen grows stronger! 
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Well I'm hoping you'll edit it, but it's up to you(:
Yes titles are important because it's human nature to judge anyway.
You're welcome(:
Feel free to submit more works to #Scribblers-Anonymous if you like.
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I love the title! 
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woo....
an expansion would be cool.
a little mystery never hurt anyone.
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