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shadowsofthought — Dark Passion
Published: 2010-01-03 21:33:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 45; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description Confusion laced passion
Passion laced fear
Fear faced the darkness
And my heart draws near

She dances in flames
I dance in the blaze
Can't figure out
Whether to scream or shout

The fates play games
I claim the blame
For all the pain
That I feel in my heated rain

Life throws me nothing
All ask for is something

More questions than answers
Inside my search
Yet I feel her reach

Dig deep inside
I have alot of pride
Under my shameless desguise

I showed her the real me
And she smiled with glee
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Comments: 7

namenotrequired [2010-02-21 00:20:19 +0000 UTC]

Oh, I love the first stanza, it sounds really strong and really speaks to me. Well done there! But i think it's a shame how the second stanza already breaks the tone of the first, because the rhyme scheme and rhythm are different again... especially the last line of that stanza ("Whether to scream or shout") makes it lose its effect, i think. The strength of the first stanza doesn't quite return in the rest of the pice... the rhymes start sounding forced and the rhythm gets more and more irregular. The latter is not a bad thing in itself, but I feel it is a bit of a shame after the strong rhythm in the first stanza.

Don't mean to be mean, just meant as constructive comments... I hope it is useful

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

shadowsofthought In reply to namenotrequired [2010-02-21 01:55:58 +0000 UTC]

No your, not being mean I asked your opinion in a critique and i do have to admit my first stanza's are always strong and sometimes i can carry it but some times i can't. I don't know what it is exactly but i do try and struggle sometimes i've learned coming back to it is better sometimes than forcing myself through it if i get stuck.

I thank you for the critque I'm glad for it and you weren't mean you were constructive and thats what i'm looking for

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

namenotrequired In reply to shadowsofthought [2010-02-21 02:25:27 +0000 UTC]

Very welcome Glad it didn't sound too harsh.

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Lady-Rorschach [2010-01-03 21:38:23 +0000 UTC]

Oh, I doubt she will, whoever she is.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

shadowsofthought In reply to Lady-Rorschach [2010-01-03 21:39:40 +0000 UTC]

i'm one lucky bastard thats all i know, she's probably never going to know how happy she makes me

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Lady-Rorschach In reply to shadowsofthought [2010-01-03 21:40:47 +0000 UTC]

Well, who knows? Maybe she does.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

shadowsofthought In reply to Lady-Rorschach [2010-01-03 21:42:15 +0000 UTC]

i can only hope

👍: 0 ⏩: 0