HOME | DD
Published: 2010-02-23 04:43:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 386; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 3
Redirect to original
Description
My name is Elijah Walker. I'm twenty-four years old and for all intents and purposes, I'm alone. Sure I have my friends, but ever since my father and mother passed I feel like I'm alone in this world. This could mean nothing to you, reader, or it could mean everything. You could be twenty four and struggling with their past, or you like I could of lost your parents at a younger age, again one day and I don't want history to repeat itself. Please understand, I'm not admitting to killing anyone. Well not recently.. We were gathered around the glass case at the front marveling at some new Spawn figures that had come in. I was holding the case out to my friend Ethan, out of all of us he was the one who enjoyed Spawn the most the first to comment was Airi and I almost had to stifle a laugh, "Spawn, I still don't get it."
We all sat around chit-chatting about high school when all of the sudden, I saw something out of the corner of my eye, I almost ran out into the cold night air after the specter but decided that it would be foolish. I sat there drinking my Smirnoff Ice and talking. Airi was the only one to notice anything off, like usual. When everyone departed for their houses
"God damn it Elijah, one of these days I'm going to use Sodium Pentothal on you. You know how I can't say no to you when you beg"
I smiled, "Thank you, sweetie."
Once she was left I was left to my own devices and of course upon that I started to search inward, of my past.
I stretched and started to walk toward the kitchen when it began; the lights flickered, my first thought was, Oh great another storm, but then I looked out the window and saw that there was not flashing of lightning or anything to signal a storm. Odd, I thought. I didn't have a second to think when something came flying at me next I barely moved out of the way to notice it was my den table "What the fuck?!" I screamed, the only thing I heard in response was a giggle. I started to move when the lights went completely out; there was sound all around me I could barely make it out.
Fate
Too late!
"Fuck" I said, and the invisible voice giggled.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"
Tsk, tsk, Elly you've forgotten me?!
"Well, I can't see you!"
the being materialized in front of me.
"N-n-no, it can't be, you don't exist!"
"Oh but I do Elly!"
"I imagined you when I was younger!"
"Oh really?" her transparent arm turned into a skeletal arm, she grabbed me by the throat and I started to float back, to a night long forgotten
I heard the thunder crack outside my window. I shook in my bed, I didn't like the rain much, and it sounded like claws on the roof to me. I tossed and turned I couldn't get comfortable. I heard something coming from the hall there standing in the door wasn't my dad, but my six year old little sister.
"Help me Elly, please" she begged and I wondered what was going on, I didn't need to wait for an answer bursting in I could see it in his eyes; I sighed and before I could react he grabbed my sister and slammed her against the wall I tried to scream, but nothing came out; he beat her, and did other terrible things to her. When he was done, he did something he's never done before; he brought out a blade and plunged it into her letting the blade hit the floor he seemed to sober and say
"This is your fault Elijah! Your fault!" he grabbed me by the neck
"You were supposed to protect her from everything! You are your sister's keeper!"
He started to drag her out of the room "well help me you, ungrateful bastard!"
I couldn't move until he made a move for me I grabbed her legs and started to help, my body moving involuntarily or so it seemed, I was in shock
He dropped her into the back of the truck, nobody woke up it wasn't uncommon; dad had the run of his followers. We both got in, him of his own free will I was shoved into the seat and let out a yelp of pain; fuck it hurt. It hurt bad enough that I had to hold back tears. We drove out past the compound into the forest he stopped and ordered me to pick her up, from the truck bed I got out and did as I was told I started to sputter and cough and I landed in the dirt in my nightclothes. "Damn it", I muttered and the next thing I knew I felt a hand slap across my face.
"Now set her over there," he pointed to a clear patch in the dirt and help me dig" he got the shovels he kept in his truck out and tossed one to me. I barely caught it and watched where he wanted me to dig before striking the dirt there myself.
It took what felt like hours I was soaked to the bone from my own sweat and the rain that was coming down. We finally finished and he tossed her into the grave, I felt like I wasn't even a part of this, and I didn't want to be; that's why I blocked it out, the whole event.
"If you tell a soul, son, and I mean any fucking soul' he said, the reek of alcohol coming from his mouth, "You'll join her."
I came to and the ghost sat in front of me, the first words out of my mouth were "I'm so sorry-I'm so sorry!"
-------
I hadn't seen him for weeks, it seems months, when I got the call from Decadent Falls Asylum, I had wondered where he had been, Ethan and I both wondered. I went to the front desk and said, "I'm here to speak to Dr. Avi."
The nurse looked up at me "Who may I ask is seeking him?" she asked over her horn rimmed glasses.
"Airi Solando", I said looking at her in the eyes, Bitch, I thought as she picked up the phone.
"Yes, Doctor" she spoke in to the receiver, "I have a Mrs-"
The nurse gave me a "go to hell" look and said "MISSUS Solando here to speak to you"
It didn't the doctor long, he shot out of the backroom and said "Thank you, thank you Ms. Solando for coming on such short notice."
"Yes. Now Doctor, you said that had information on my friend Li."
"Yes, well you haven't seen him in…"
"Two months. Last thing I knew he was getting carted out of his house by an ambulance because a neighbor noticed that he hadn't come out in three days."
"Well, it seems your friend suffered from a psychotic breakdown when we found him, he was holding this."
The doctor handed me a piece of paper with the word Astrid written on it.
"Doctor, I don't know what this means."
"Well we were hoping you did," he said as we finally started to move back, "because that's all he will say now."
We were now face to face with a plate glass window
"I wish I knew, doctor, I really do." I put my hand to the glass and thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye but wished it off to my mind playing tricks, there were my answers and now I wish I had none.
Comments: 22
MeAsTheNarrator [2010-03-04 03:01:17 +0000 UTC]
I really did enjoy reading your story. Although I tend to stay in the fantasy section, this was something that really played out well and worked wonders with the challenge of the character living a past traumatic experience. The use of your dialogue really turned the short story into a "grounded" one... having the characters curse made them even more believable as well as show how quickly he is losing his sanity.
I enjoyed how the main character sorta broke into the fourth dimension when he spoke about the "reader" in the very beginning of the piece. It turned the entire short story into a (for lack of better words) confession... or "lie" of what really took place. I do enjoy a good mystery from time to time... as well as paranormal depending on my mood Now that I stated that, the ghost lady was very interesting... although i think it would have made sense to have left her out of the entire bit... well not left her out.. but... rather ignore her dialogue and just have him talking to himself about the entire event. (although... one could read this and say he was crazy from the start....
<~~me) And to back up that claim, he was young when his little sister was ... um.. molested, abused, other incestuous lecherous deeds and then tossed aside like a rag doll... This would have caused all sorts of crazy emotional and delusional brain damaged to him... it could also be the main reason why he is "alone"... not to mention that his own father placed all of the blame on him. This story makes me upset... not at you.. but at the fact that you really did go after a reality that does exist in America with some families. You focused on something that is real... and I applaud you for that. (I love finding the REAL meaning behind horror/mystery...)
I refuse to type a book like your friend did (lol) so I will stop there with a smile .
It was a really good piece and I do hope to see you come my next challenge. I would also like to apologize for the timing of my challenge .... after reading this I am sure if you had more time, you could have ended it differently or added more (if I had extended the word count) but nevertheless, it was worthy of my time and I am glad I got a chance to read it once again.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
shadowsofthought In reply to MeAsTheNarrator [2010-03-04 03:19:13 +0000 UTC]
you've actually left me stunned and speechless. I will tell you this; I only write what i see, most of the time my work is very mind bending, because i often times find that, that is the best way to get the point home. Speaking on some topics of abuse, neglect, mental illness, I have a handicap therefore i've lived most my life in my mind, it's where I am and where my characters live I like the introduction to Red Dragon that Thomas Harris did, he said that his characters are not his they are not his creations they are human beings and he is just the observer of the story. I take that to heart and think it's best when i'm writing
But i ramble i'm just going to back out of the room blushing and bowing thank you and yes when I see your next contest i will try my hardest to enter. If my mind isn't more EPIC than what you set down as was the case with the original version of this
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
MeAsTheNarrator In reply to shadowsofthought [2010-03-04 03:22:26 +0000 UTC]
oh silly don't leave just yet! BASK IN THE COMMENT@ BASK!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
shadowsofthought In reply to MeAsTheNarrator [2010-03-04 03:24:26 +0000 UTC]
i is basking, if i could show case it i would! That is the kindest most well thought out thing someone has ever said about my work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
MeAsTheNarrator In reply to shadowsofthought [2010-03-04 03:39:58 +0000 UTC]
Hehe I told you... "Constructive comment minus the critique" All this excitement... whew..
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
shadowsofthought In reply to MeAsTheNarrator [2010-03-04 03:40:50 +0000 UTC]
meh I know there are flaws...just imagine what lives in my head....go ahead imagine
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
MeAsTheNarrator In reply to shadowsofthought [2010-03-04 03:48:31 +0000 UTC]
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
Are those a few of your favorite things
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
shadowsofthought In reply to MeAsTheNarrator [2010-03-04 03:50:43 +0000 UTC]
now i'm getting Bioshock vibes...or is that Strangers....oh fuck...or it could be The Hills Have Eyes EVEN I HAVE LIMITS!!!!!!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
MeAsTheNarrator In reply to shadowsofthought [2010-03-04 04:02:30 +0000 UTC]
this fits nicely with my facial expression.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
shadowsofthought In reply to MeAsTheNarrator [2010-03-04 04:06:15 +0000 UTC]
we are writers
we are mad as hatters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Bait-n-switch [2010-02-26 01:42:03 +0000 UTC]
hey brother im not sure what u would like me to do here but i will comment as if i was critiquing myself over this piece..i fucking hate the word critique it sounds so "Nazi henchman looking for someones balls"so i shall proceed with thoughts that u deserve..its so hard to analyze such a long piece. i feel any small bit of verbage is an unworthy slap-in -the-face for such soulful work..I personally am scared to write my grafic-novel because i have suffered from low-self-esteem my whole life and always find myself unworthy to add to the genre in which i feel stephen king is the master of..I read his book"ON WRITING" you could probably pick up a used one its about 13 years old..this book really changed my life..i highly recommend u procure a copy..as for this story..i like the build up..in the comic store looking at the spawn characters..its a great lead in hook but,i think u are trying to build characters to fast..in my eyes..you are more of a subtle wordsmith and i want to sympathize more with elly before u throw her into this trauma scene..i to know this feeling of a silent scream that wont come out basically i want to fall in love with elly and feel her world out more ..get a stronger description of her soul..who is she deep inside...i think the cussing is appropriate but as a true lover of b-movies and mad magazine..i have been writing cuss words as F*kc or Sh!t it lets the reader know that u are sympathetic to their sensibilities and trying your best not to be to crass..or offensive. that u are simply the pied -piper leading them carefully through your twisted landscape,i would also" proof read for perfection" before posting or have someone else do it for u..small mistakes can also confuse and make readers lose attention..im not a perfect writer by anymeans i love writing but im totally f*cked in punctuation and proper grammar and we all make type errors.but u are a dam good writer and this is truly your passion and calling as mine is mainly visual art but i love to write from my GUTS!!! as i know u do to..so in saying that,,proofreading hardcore will help u polish your stuff to a super pro level......I really love this story..i used to watch the showA HAUNTING on discovery channel when i had cable..i really like how u described the transparent ghost morphing into a skeletal hand!! ithink paragraphs are bullsh!t ..I like stream of subconciousness writing myself..go look at contemporary street artists in my global street arts group..mixing horror with graffitti is a great interest to me becuz the streets are filled with tragedy...this is the voice of your generation and it is all about personal expression !..Art itself died years ago with all the bullsh!t post-modernists killing its substance to a joke..I want to encourage you to pursue great heights in your work ..in wrapping up all of what i just said..it seems very contradictory..but we live in a fallen world and this hybridding of theories Classical and street writing are the true song of our day..i feel..but ive also been around alot of tragedy and loss..and i've done alot of street art when i was a kid..so graffiti is in my heart ..i Find your story to be very similar to one of my fave stephen king movies "sometimes they come back"..watch-it i think u will get my point..have a great day bro .i gotta go get me some more coffee..ask this girls opinion and visit her gallery she is a master at writing from her guts..u should be friend her she leaves me great commentaries ..put her on your watch in the nxt couple months her writing and art will blow your mind i have great faith in her work and i just met her for days ago if she doesnt hit u back..no worries ..she ijured her typing finger the other day..but if u ask her she will definately respond with a heartfelt voice..peace bro..stay up!! her name is anna tell her i sent cha!
👍: 0 ⏩: 3
shadowsofthought In reply to Bait-n-switch [2010-02-26 06:27:47 +0000 UTC]
Oh and just to clarify Elly is a he the girl just referred to him as Elly as a child hood nickname.
You basically had alot of the same problems i did when i finally cut it down...it was heart wrenching cause i felt i had given him enough development with the other short story Elijah's Fault i didn't want to cut it but to fit into the word frame i had to
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
shadowsofthought In reply to Bait-n-switch [2010-02-26 01:54:01 +0000 UTC]
and also there's another version where it's longer and you get to empathize with him i think, it's called Elijah's Fault, and was over the limit of the contest lol
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
shadowsofthought In reply to Bait-n-switch [2010-02-26 01:51:16 +0000 UTC]
there's a poll up on 's site with my story on it, if you could vote in it i would be much appricative, and thanks
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
tsau-mia [2010-02-23 19:46:29 +0000 UTC]
Very interesting. The plotline twists through this but isn't easily apparent.
I really like his traumatic experience (not like it like I enjoy it, but like it because it is well written).
Nice job!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
shadowsofthought In reply to tsau-mia [2010-02-23 20:27:13 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! and although i enjoy Elijah's Fault more this one is still good though >.> Elijah is more through in its plot but i was 1k over the limit!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
blifaloo [2010-02-23 18:39:38 +0000 UTC]
This is interesting, a bit confusing though.
In my opinion the tone should be a bit more mature, I don't think the profanities are necessary, and I'd like the paragraphs to be separated.
Good look though in the contest
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
shadowsofthought In reply to blifaloo [2010-02-23 20:34:38 +0000 UTC]
also i was going for a horror movie feel
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
shadowsofthought In reply to blifaloo [2010-02-23 20:24:11 +0000 UTC]
heh, well the profanities are there because i actually did treat it like i was in elijah's shoes, and thats how i would of reacted. call me immature for it sure heh but it is how i would of reacted too
i normally seperate the paragraphs but last night when i put up Elijah's Fault, I didn't separate them because i liked the flow of the text
and yes this ones a little more confusing, because i had to take out alot of subtext for the entry to fit because i went over the 1k limit!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
blifaloo In reply to shadowsofthought [2010-02-24 17:54:25 +0000 UTC]
oh that makes sense
my story was originally 600 words so I had to add a lot more
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
