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Description
I woke up wanting to go to the lake. I wanted to see the clear, shimmering water, feel a refreshing breeze whip my hair. I wanted to dip my toes in and sit there a while, without interruption. I was laying in bed, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling as the scenario unfolded in my head. The more I imagined, the more I yearned for it.
There was no more thought about it. The decision was made. I was going to the lake today.

After breakfast, I quickly gathered my phone, wallet and keys. It’s all I’d need for the road. Everything else would be at the house when I got there. I let a couple friends know where I’d be and took off. It was 9:45 on a Tuesday morning in the middle of May and I wasn’t worried about too many people being in the area, they did this kind of thing in the summertime.
The instant I knew where I was headed, I turned on my favorite tunes. The music was mostly of the Indie-Folk genre with strong moving percussion, distinct vocals and lyrics that hit home so deep, it sparked you to try and figure out the true meaning behind the words. It was my favorite kind of traveling music.

At first, I didn’t realize why I had wanted to go on my own so badly. There was no real reason to explain it, I just knew I should. It was an impulse too big to ignore. I was supposed to go do this. I didn’t quite know why I was going, either. Sure, I had my basic, and normal reasons: To venture somewhere beautiful, get away from the city, relax and take photos of all the great things I’d see. I had just turned twenty-three, but this didn’t feel like birthday gift to myself. Something was leading me here, telling me it was where I should be. It was something subconscious, a part of me that always had wanted to be heard but I never payed enough attention.
Now, I listened.

I left early enough that I’d get there close to nightfall, probably just before sunset. Although, I didn’t feel hurried or any urgency to get there. Maybe that’s why I unconsciously knew I should go alone. I’d be on my own time.
I sang along to my favorite songs, cranking up the volume so the sound would fill the car. I got lost in those songs, feeling it more than listening to it and thankfully it kept me occupied for the majority of the drive. My subconscious was right, I needed this. Besides, I was loving every moment of it. My normal day-to-day thoughts escaped me and I felt a surging creativity pulse throughout my body. An untapped source of inspiration coursed inside me and new images flashed in my mind. It had been some time since I felt it full-force like this. Months maybe.

But something was holding it back. I felt it so strongly for moments at a time - it gained so much momentum and then suddenly flatlined. I didn’t know why, it had been too long to remember. Someone may have said something, a small comment that went unnoticed. Or maybe somewhere along the way I held something back, even though I knew I should’ve said it. It must’ve sunk in and built over time without me knowing. Without much time passing, I probably started believing it. Now, it was what I thought was true. It was distant though, the memory caught in an inaccessible haze. All I was left with was a stuck, conflicted feeling. I let it go for now, focusing on listening to the music this time.

I made several stops on the way, using the cleanest restrooms I could find and grabbing some food. By the time I made it halfway, my “travel” playlist was done and I put it on shuffle, turning the volume down so it was in the background. I tried to keep those unsettling thoughts back too, I couldn’t let them ruin something like this.

As I got closer to the lake house, the more excited I became. The last time I remembered being here I was just a kid. The sun was shining now just as brightly as it was in my memory. I imagined it looking the same as when I was twelve and was already becoming slightly nostalgic about the memories created during the summers spent here. I was most fond about these memories. I remembered jumping off the dock of the lake, the cool water splashing around me. That image stuck with me more than the others. I could still feel the thrill building up right before I jumped in. I could still remember how fearless I felt after conquering the lake water, easily paddling around afterwards while I beamed up at my parents.

Finally, I veered the highway, my tires churning over an older road. The massive swaying pine trees surrounded me. I silently hoped to myself that I’d find the one I carved my name into eleven years ago, even though I couldn’t remember where it was for the life of me. The dirt road curved and bent through the forest and I slowed, rolling my window down all the way, my hand lazily resting outside.

I was far enough away from the main road that its never-ending buzz had faded away. Turning my music down, I listened to the sounds of the forest: birds chirping, the wind blowing and the branches swaying. I listened for the natural silence that could only be found in a place like this. A place untamed and uncorrupted. A place that wasn’t bound or confined by the silly things we take so seriously. This was a place that knows nothing but itself and is unhindered by the iniquitous nature of our world. There was balance here, a purity difficult for humans to obtain.

Soon, I pulled up to a small wooden house, the lake to my right. The sun, now a harsh, dark orange color, began to descend behind the mountains. I was thankful this was our private property, I wouldn’t be bothered, I wouldn’t have to share this with anyone. I parked and walked up the house’s creaking steps, unlocked the door and stepped inside, a musty smell filled my nose. Just the scent flooded my mind with vivid memories. Switching on the light, I sat down, pulled out the remainder of my trail mix and absentmindedly snacked on it.

I still couldn’t come up with a reason for why I was there and I found myself unable to stop thinking about it. It bothered me knowing the answer was there but no matter how hard I looked for it, I couldn’t find it. I drew a blank no matter how hard I focused on it. Maybe it was just to get away. To air out.

Or maybe I wanted to find something - I had no idea what’d it be. Darkness approached fast, swallowing up the light of the sky. Stars splotched the black canvas, glinting down at the water. A full moon illuminated the dark, its greatness shining everywhere. The sense of seclusion finally set in. I really was alone.

No phone service.
No people.
No city.

There was a natural pull - an incline to go out to the lake then. It had been there all morning but now, being so close, it was stronger than ever. I walked to the dock of the lake, barefooted, just in case I wanted to dip my toes. I sat down in the quiet, as a cooling breeze flew through. That quiet filled me up, thoughts began moving, old memories rising to the surface. I couldn’t help it, they were just there. Memories of things that I thought of in the car. Struggles, inhibitions, regrets. I went down several of those paths, trying to figure where I’d be if I had done something else. Or how much a few simple words could’ve made a difference. How much of an impact they would have made. A guilt twisted inside of me, whether it was my own or given to me by someone else, I still felt it, making me uncertain, making me doubt.

I had been content for a while now but it was only temporary. It worked. It functioned well enough. I functioned well enough. But I knew myself and I knew it wouldn’t last much longer. It was eating away at me, little by little. I couldn’t tell someone in total honesty that I was truly settled. Most in the world weren’t. I felt happy almost all of the time but that didn’t always come from me. It was because of other things around me: family, my favorite band had a new album coming out or a great visit with my best friend. I found myself being put in a good mood because of these things, not because I decided to feel that way. I knew it was wrong, that it wasn’t me.

I felt small thinking about it. I felt even smaller when I looked up at the sky to see all those stars and to know they were so far away. I swung my feet in the water easily, tracing my toes in circles on the surface, my eyes still glued to the sky. I tried quieting my mind, getting lost in the beauty above. I took long, slow breathes. Minutes passed and I just waited there, silently, until my mind calmed and my thoughts stopped.

A certain feeling washed over me, as it always did when I stared at the night sky. It was difficult to describe, like love. Something seemingly so complicated but in actuality, incredibly simple. As my eyes tracked the glimmering lights and my mouth opened with no words coming out, a stillness centered within me. I was stuck solidly to the ground, rooted through the dirt as if I was inside of the earth itself.

Yet, at the same time, I felt I was up high with those stars and the moon. I was able to go anywhere, stay anywhere. Do everything or do nothing. I didn’t have to choose, either.
The longer I looked at the beautiful kingdom of night, I felt an endless depth. A never-ending path of opportunity. I could see it all, just waiting for me.
I didn’t feel that far away from the stars anymore.
In those quiet moments I felt what I was looking for. I found my stillness.

It made me wonder.
I wondered if others felt what I’m feeling now. I wondered if they took it with them and held it close to their soul, never letting it slip away.
I hoped.
Hoped that they kept it, remembered it and held on to it with everything they had.
I hoped they felt it every damn day of their lives. I hoped for it for everyone in the world, whether they were lost or already found. Whether they knew they needed it or not.
I wanted so badly, with every thought I had, every word I could say, with every last breath I could take. With all of my being I wanted them to have it.
I wanted them to keep it. Always.
To feel it. Use it. Live it.

Easily, I stepped from the soft dirt onto the smooth rocks in the shallow end of the lake. I went further, water splashing between my toes. Soon, it was at my ankles. The wind was calm tonight and I didn’t care how cold it was, my chilled skin made me smile.
I was about knee-deep, staring at the dark water, shimmering just as it would in the sun. Almost captivated by its beauty, I hesitated a moment to take it in.
I shut my eyes.
A breath came in . . .

I dove.

The smooth water splashed around me as I was submerged in. I swam until that one breath was nearly gone.
I shot up above the surface and began to tread, my hair a tangled mess behind my head. I grinned at it all: My soaked clothes, my wet hair and my makeup that was probably smeared. My body was cold too, shivering with goosebumps across my skin. I had a different sensation than the one before I jumped in. An unfamiliar feeling just as hard to describe as the first. It was a place, a mindset, a viewpoint vastly different from where I was coming from before I was here and I decided to be here. I chose it.

I felt this so strongly, like it was second-natured to me. Like it had been here this whole time, waiting to be realized. An inner truth waiting to be expressed. I swam until my feet landed on the uneven ground and stepped out. My heart beat with happiness and I stood with a solidity about myself that I knew I’d always have.
No doubts hid in the corners of my mind, I had tamed those undermining voices. That was all I could do - control the things within myself and let events and people outside of me be.

I sat down on the dock again, drenched, but I didn’t care. My eyes shut as I listened to the silence again, no extraneous thoughts popping into my head, nothing distracted me. I could enjoy the stillness and the longer I waited like this, the more my feeling grew, the more centered I became. I smiled to myself, a deep relieving happiness building within me. My eyes brimmed with tears just about to slip over as I could feel the lesser things fall away from me, the things that held me back, the ones I didn’t need.
I opened my eyes, the same lake in front of me, the same glistening water, mountains and the same vast sky, too. But it was like looking at it all for the first time, every aspect more beautiful than I could’ve imagined. I gazed up at the sky again. I felt as big as the moon, maybe bigger.

Thoughts began to fill my head. Thoughts of others. The deep grief felt by our kind fell on me. I knew the universal misery felt by so many who were bound to standards. Money. Power. The people who believed those were the kinds of things that brought true happiness. People who were enslaved by debt and how our world now says we are supposed to work. I felt for all those who are lost, left to wander blindly. For those who clawed and scraped, desperately trying to break away, to start new. I felt for the people who had it all too, the ones that wanted more than material because it’s all they’ve ever known. I understood those who reached so high, only to barely graze their dreams before falling so hard. I could feel those who were told to give up, that it wasn’t worth it. I felt for the ones crippled by the fear of the unknown, for the scarcity of the future, forgetting about what’s happening now.

This heavy weight crashed onto me because I now had what we fundamentally try to achieve, what we all want even if we don’t know it. I now had balance. That peace between all of aspects of life. A clarity rang through me, a pureness in my heart, just like the forest around me had.
I knew why I wanted the others to have it too.

I wanted them to have it because it’s not an easy thing to obtain. Because they may not realize how to without some help. Because they deserve to have a feeling like this, they deserve the chance to be like this. To be settled and to be clear. They deserve the chance to look and find it in their own way.

It may not be by gazing up at the sky, or just sitting and listening to the sound of silence. It might not even be by jumping in a cold lake late at night.
They might find it by talking, maybe listening. Maybe it’s singing, scribbling words onto paper or they’ll find it by helping another. Maybe it’s loving and caring for the ones closest to their hearts that brings is to them.
No matter, I wanted everyone to find their place of belonging.
I wanted everyone to find their Home.

Description
I woke up wanting to go to the lake. I wanted to see the clear, shimmering water, feel a refreshing breeze whip my hair. I wanted to dip my toes in and sit there a while, without interruption. I was laying in bed, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling as the scenario unfolded in my head. The more I imagined, the more I yearned for it.
There was no more thought about it. The decision was made. I was going to the lake today.

After breakfast, I quickly gathered my phone, wallet and keys. It’s all I’d need for the road. Everything else would be at the house when I got there. I let a couple friends know where I’d be and took off. It was 9:45 on a Tuesday morning in the middle of May and I wasn’t worried about too many people being in the area, they did this kind of thing in the summertime.
The instant I knew where I was headed, I turned on my favorite tunes. The music was mostly of the Indie-Folk genre with strong moving percussion, distinct vocals and lyrics that hit home so deep, it sparked you to try and figure out the true meaning behind the words. It was my favorite kind of traveling music.

At first, I didn’t realize why I had wanted to go on my own so badly. There was no real reason to explain it, I just knew I should. It was an impulse too big to ignore. I was supposed to go do this. I didn’t quite know why I was going, either. Sure, I had my basic, and normal reasons: To venture somewhere beautiful, get away from the city, relax and take photos of all the great things I’d see. I had just turned twenty-three, but this didn’t feel like birthday gift to myself. Something was leading me here, telling me it was where I should be. It was something subconscious, a part of me that always had wanted to be heard but I never payed enough attention.
Now, I listened.

I left early enough that I’d get there close to nightfall, probably just before sunset. Although, I didn’t feel hurried or any urgency to get there. Maybe that’s why I unconsciously knew I should go alone. I’d be on my own time.
I sang along to my favorite songs, cranking up the volume so the sound would fill the car. I got lost in those songs, feeling it more than listening to it and thankfully it kept me occupied for the majority of the drive. My subconscious was right, I needed this. Besides, I was loving every moment of it. My normal day-to-day thoughts escaped me and I felt a surging creativity pulse throughout my body. An untapped source of inspiration coursed inside me and new images flashed in my mind. It had been some time since I felt it full-force like this. Months maybe.

But something was holding it back. I felt it so strongly for moments at a time - it gained so much momentum and then suddenly flatlined. I didn’t know why, it had been too long to remember. Someone may have said something, a small comment that went unnoticed. Or maybe somewhere along the way I held something back, even though I knew I should’ve said it. It must’ve sunk in and built over time without me knowing. Without much time passing, I probably started believing it. Now, it was what I thought was true. It was distant though, the memory caught in an inaccessible haze. All I was left with was a stuck, conflicted feeling. I let it go for now, focusing on listening to the music this time.

I made several stops on the way, using the cleanest restrooms I could find and grabbing some food. By the time I made it halfway, my “travel” playlist was done and I put it on shuffle, turning the volume down so it was in the background. I tried to keep those unsettling thoughts back too, I couldn’t let them ruin something like this.

As I got closer to the lake house, the more excited I became. The last time I remembered being here I was just a kid. The sun was shining now just as brightly as it was in my memory. I imagined it looking the same as when I was twelve and was already becoming slightly nostalgic about the memories created during the summers spent here. I was most fond about these memories. I remembered jumping off the dock of the lake, the cool water splashing around me. That image stuck with me more than the others. I could still feel the thrill building up right before I jumped in. I could still remember how fearless I felt after conquering the lake water, easily paddling around afterwards while I beamed up at my parents.

Finally, I veered the highway, my tires churning over an older road. The massive swaying pine trees surrounded me. I silently hoped to myself that I’d find the one I carved my name into eleven years ago, even though I couldn’t remember where it was for the life of me. The dirt road curved and bent through the forest and I slowed, rolling my window down all the way, my hand lazily resting outside.

I was far enough away from the main road that its never-ending buzz had faded away. Turning my music down, I listened to the sounds of the forest: birds chirping, the wind blowing and the branches swaying. I listened for the natural silence that could only be found in a place like this. A place untamed and uncorrupted. A place that wasn’t bound or confined by the silly things we take so seriously. This was a place that knows nothing but itself and is unhindered by the iniquitous nature of our world. There was balance here, a purity difficult for humans to obtain.

Soon, I pulled up to a small wooden house, the lake to my right. The sun, now a harsh, dark orange color, began to descend behind the mountains. I was thankful this was our private property, I wouldn’t be bothered, I wouldn’t have to share this with anyone. I parked and walked up the house’s creaking steps, unlocked the door and stepped inside, a musty smell filled my nose. Just the scent flooded my mind with vivid memories. Switching on the light, I sat down, pulled out the remainder of my trail mix and absentmindedly snacked on it.

I still couldn’t come up with a reason for why I was there and I found myself unable to stop thinking about it. It bothered me knowing the answer was there but no matter how hard I looked for it, I couldn’t find it. I drew a blank no matter how hard I focused on it. Maybe it was just to get away. To air out.

Or maybe I wanted to find something - I had no idea what’d it be. Darkness approached fast, swallowing up the light of the sky. Stars splotched the black canvas, glinting down at the water. A full moon illuminated the dark, its greatness shining everywhere. The sense of seclusion finally set in. I really was alone.

No phone service.
No people.
No city.

There was a natural pull - an incline to go out to the lake then. It had been there all morning but now, being so close, it was stronger than ever. I walked to the dock of the lake, barefooted, just in case I wanted to dip my toes. I sat down in the quiet, as a cooling breeze flew through. That quiet filled me up, thoughts began moving, old memories rising to the surface. I couldn’t help it, they were just there. Memories of things that I thought of in the car. Struggles, inhibitions, regrets. I went down several of those paths, trying to figure where I’d be if I had done something else. Or how much a few simple words could’ve made a difference. How much of an impact they would have made. A guilt twisted inside of me, whether it was my own or given to me by someone else, I still felt it, making me uncertain, making me doubt.

I had been content for a while now but it was only temporary. It worked. It functioned well enough. I functioned well enough. But I knew myself and I knew it wouldn’t last much longer. It was eating away at me, little by little. I couldn’t tell someone in total honesty that I was truly settled. Most in the world weren’t. I felt happy almost all of the time but that didn’t always come from me. It was because of other things around me: family, my favorite band had a new album coming out or a great visit with my best friend. I found myself being put in a good mood because of these things, not because I decided to feel that way. I knew it was wrong, that it wasn’t me.

I felt small thinking about it. I felt even smaller when I looked up at the sky to see all those stars and to know they were so far away. I swung my feet in the water easily, tracing my toes in circles on the surface, my eyes still glued to the sky. I tried quieting my mind, getting lost in the beauty above. I took long, slow breathes. Minutes passed and I just waited there, silently, until my mind calmed and my thoughts stopped.

A certain feeling washed over me, as it always did when I stared at the night sky. It was difficult to describe, like love. Something seemingly so complicated but in actuality, incredibly simple. As my eyes tracked the glimmering lights and my mouth opened with no words coming out, a stillness centered within me. I was stuck solidly to the ground, rooted through the dirt as if I was inside of the earth itself.

Yet, at the same time, I felt I was up high with those stars and the moon. I was able to go anywhere, stay anywhere. Do everything or do nothing. I didn’t have to choose, either.
The longer I looked at the beautiful kingdom of night, I felt an endless depth. A never-ending path of opportunity. I could see it all, just waiting for me.
I didn’t feel that far away from the stars anymore.
In those quiet moments I felt what I was looking for. I found my stillness.

It made me wonder.
I wondered if others felt what I’m feeling now. I wondered if they took it with them and held it close to their soul, never letting it slip away.
I hoped.
Hoped that they kept it, remembered it and held on to it with everything they had.
I hoped they felt it every damn day of their lives. I hoped for it for everyone in the world, whether they were lost or already found. Whether they knew they needed it or not.
I wanted so badly, with every thought I had, every word I could say, with every last breath I could take. With all of my being I wanted them to have it.
I wanted them to keep it. Always.
To feel it. Use it. Live it.

Easily, I stepped from the soft dirt onto the smooth rocks in the shallow end of the lake. I went further, water splashing between my toes. Soon, it was at my ankles. The wind was calm tonight and I didn’t care how cold it was, my chilled skin made me smile.
I was about knee-deep, staring at the dark water, shimmering just as it would in the sun. Almost captivated by its beauty, I hesitated a moment to take it in.
I shut my eyes.
A breath came in . . .

I dove.

The smooth water splashed around me as I was submerged in. I swam until that one breath was nearly gone.
I shot up above the surface and began to tread, my hair a tangled mess behind my head. I grinned at it all: My soaked clothes, my wet hair and my makeup that was probably smeared. My body was cold too, shivering with goosebumps across my skin. I had a different sensation than the one before I jumped in. An unfamiliar feeling just as hard to describe as the first. It was a place, a mindset, a viewpoint vastly different from where I was coming from before I was here and I decided to be here. I chose it.

I felt this so strongly, like it was second-natured to me. Like it had been here this whole time, waiting to be realized. An inner truth waiting to be expressed. I swam until my feet landed on the uneven ground and stepped out. My heart beat with happiness and I stood with a solidity about myself that I knew I’d always have.
No doubts hid in the corners of my mind, I had tamed those undermining voices. That was all I could do - control the things within myself and let events and people outside of me be.

I sat down on the dock again, drenched, but I didn’t care. My eyes shut as I listened to the silence again, no extraneous thoughts popping into my head, nothing distracted me. I could enjoy the stillness and the longer I waited like this, the more my feeling grew, the more centered I became. I smiled to myself, a deep relieving happiness building within me. My eyes brimmed with tears just about to slip over as I could feel the lesser things fall away from me, the things that held me back, the ones I didn’t need.
I opened my eyes, the same lake in front of me, the same glistening water, mountains and the same vast sky, too. But it was like looking at it all for the first time, every aspect more beautiful than I could’ve imagined. I gazed up at the sky again. I felt as big as the moon, maybe bigger.

Thoughts began to fill my head. Thoughts of others. The deep grief felt by our kind fell on me. I knew the universal misery felt by so many who were bound to standards. Money. Power. The people who believed those were the kinds of things that brought true happiness. People who were enslaved by debt and how our world now says we are supposed to work. I felt for all those who are lost, left to wander blindly. For those who clawed and scraped, desperately trying to break away, to start new. I felt for the people who had it all too, the ones that wanted more than material because it’s all they’ve ever known. I understood those who reached so high, only to barely graze their dreams before falling so hard. I could feel those who were told to give up, that it wasn’t worth it. I felt for the ones crippled by the fear of the unknown, for the scarcity of the future, forgetting about what’s happening now.

This heavy weight crashed onto me because I now had what we fundamentally try to achieve, what we all want even if we don’t know it. I now had balance. That peace between all of aspects of life. A clarity rang through me, a pureness in my heart, just like the forest around me had.
I knew why I wanted the others to have it too.

I wanted them to have it because it’s not an easy thing to obtain. Because they may not realize how to without some help. Because they deserve to have a feeling like this, they deserve the chance to be like this. To be settled and to be clear. They deserve the chance to look and find it in their own way.

It may not be by gazing up at the sky, or just sitting and listening to the sound of silence. It might not even be by jumping in a cold lake late at night.
They might find it by talking, maybe listening. Maybe it’s singing, scribbling words onto paper or they’ll find it by helping another. Maybe it’s loving and caring for the ones closest to their hearts that brings is to them.
No matter, I wanted everyone to find their place of belonging.
I wanted everyone to find their Home.