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Sleeper-Desolate — Finished
Published: 2004-11-03 22:09:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 132; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description
Blood boils up in my veinsI hate you
I hate the way
You're never there
When I need you;
You never stay
You never say anything, anymore
Are you gone?
Am I wrong?
No, I don't think so.
You wouldn't do this to me
You wouldn't bring about this misery
So now I'm right
For once
Truth brought into the light
I don't care anymore
I can't care anymore
Look where caring got me;
Lying dead on this cold, hard floor.
I love you
Just go away
I hate you
There's nothing you can say.
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Comments: 8
I like that in the midst of minimal free verse, you slide in some natural rhymes, very clever. I can't criticise the grammar, and since it seems to be more of a cathartic rant than anything else, nor can I comment on the lack of physical imagery. This is visceral and harsh, and could easily be employed as a set of lyrics. Ever thought of taking up a musical persuasion?
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I play drums, actually. I really want to learn guitar more and more, though... because a drum beat cannot make a song, unfortunatley.
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POSH! Who would critique this lovely piece? It sings the tune of my own heart, my friend. Tells me the words that I sing as well, just in a different manner of wording. Congrads, friend, for you capture it very well...which happens to be very unfortunate for you in this instance. *hug*
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I can relate very well. its like, this feeling is so painful n yet so beautiful, i love it
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netime my friend
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I'm not critiquing...
I just want to say it makes me sad. I feel that way sometimes too. That's all you have to tell yourself when you get that way. That's what I do. I just tell myself that I'm not the only one that has ever felt this way before, I'm not the first person to cry into my pillow at night and I certainly won't be the last.
There comes a new day, whether it's tomorrow or next month, there will always be a new day. One day when you are very happy you will recall how you felt when you were sad and it will seem a distant memory and you won't be able to believe that you were ever that depressed. Look forward to those days of happiness and it will help you to get through all the days of misery and woe. At least one good thing can come out of being sad: inspiration. Suddenly, your emotions overwhelm you and you must sit down and write everything you think and feel before it goes away. Your tears stain the paper and you know that one day you will look back on your writings and know. Just know. Everything that ever was and ever will be revolves around emotions, feelings, experiences. You have a great talent for expressing what we all feel. I've said it before and I will say it again: don't lose that talent.
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And I'm very glad that you commented. I just didn't want someone saying 'Well, I think you could have done with less breaks and a better rhythm' or something like that, because this is a very personal poem and I would have had to shoot them.
I really agree with everything you said... thank you for reminding me of it. 
Thank you again, for your compliment and your advice. You're really the nicest person I know on here, and your comments always help me feel better. I'll try and write some uplifting things, maybe do the same for you.
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