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Description
I've got two faces, Blurry's the one I'm not
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J5mE-…

Yup, vent art. You don't have to read this, it's just some back story on it. Trigger warning too, I mention self harm in here and that sort of stuff..

So for my whole life I've been told I'm supposed to wear dresses, have long hair, be girly, and told that one day I'll have a husband and start a family. I never thought much about it until about 3 years ago, that was about the time I stopped having "crushes" on guys and being so keen on getting married or even having kids. I thought something was wrong with me, why wasn't I normal? I mean I was never told that I didn't have to get married or that I didn't have to have kids.

That was when I started getting depressed, or at least could realise I was. It go worse and worse, now not only did I not want to get married and start a family, I started to feel self concious about how I looked and started to hate my body and myself as a person. I didn't feel self concious as most people think I would, you know the whole "I wish my boobs were bigger", I actually hated how I looked because I looked pretty feminine. I mean I had hair til' my ass and was forced to wear dresses and girly clothes. I wanted to change how I looked so badly, but my dear old father (sarcasm) didn't agree. That didn't stop me from buying more gender neutral type clothing. Sure I was slowly being allowed to change how I looked, but I started feeling more and more depressed. I started to crush on girls, and knowing that my dad was homophobic ruined my self esteem. I would wish I was dead and started to scratch and dig my nails into my skin to try and stop thinking about it, but it didn't help.

Around the same time last year was the start of my all time low. I knew I was gay and that I probably wasn't cis gendered either, and even though I had a psychologist I was feeling even worse. So I started self harming. It wasn't a lot in the beginning, but it became an addiction and by January of this year I would self harm daily. That was also when I started getting bullied. Turns out one guy in my class had seen some of my cuts, and so he would torment me daily, making sick messed up jokes about self harm, in Home Economics class he would get a knife and act like he was cutting himself, and him and his friends would draw red cuts on their arms so it looked like cuts. He tried getting under my skin and it worked, I wish I could have been stronger but it was too much for me. I had contemplated suicide so many times, I started self harming at school, I was close to ending it but fortunately my closest friend and the person I love the most in this whole world convinced me life was worth living. I can't thank her enough for that, Jordana if you're reading this, I love you.

Now I can finally dress and look how I like, I have a pretty much non existent relationship with my biological father but I couldn't care less. I actually got my hair cut really short, he was extremely pissed off but my happiness is more important than that ass. Fortunately my mum, sister, and friends accept me. Now I just have to come out to the rest of my family and few remaining classmates (some people learned I was gay somehow, one being the dude who bullied me, he started using slurs and saying bigoted things, but fortunately my friend's hand and his face have become good friends) then I can get this weight off of my chest.

If anyone knows how I could come out to my family I'd love that, though they all live far away so it would probably have to be online ;

-Sara

Description
I've got two faces, Blurry's the one I'm not
www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J5mE-…

Yup, vent art. You don't have to read this, it's just some back story on it. Trigger warning too, I mention self harm in here and that sort of stuff..

So for my whole life I've been told I'm supposed to wear dresses, have long hair, be girly, and told that one day I'll have a husband and start a family. I never thought much about it until about 3 years ago, that was about the time I stopped having "crushes" on guys and being so keen on getting married or even having kids. I thought something was wrong with me, why wasn't I normal? I mean I was never told that I didn't have to get married or that I didn't have to have kids.

That was when I started getting depressed, or at least could realise I was. It go worse and worse, now not only did I not want to get married and start a family, I started to feel self concious about how I looked and started to hate my body and myself as a person. I didn't feel self concious as most people think I would, you know the whole "I wish my boobs were bigger", I actually hated how I looked because I looked pretty feminine. I mean I had hair til' my ass and was forced to wear dresses and girly clothes. I wanted to change how I looked so badly, but my dear old father (sarcasm) didn't agree. That didn't stop me from buying more gender neutral type clothing. Sure I was slowly being allowed to change how I looked, but I started feeling more and more depressed. I started to crush on girls, and knowing that my dad was homophobic ruined my self esteem. I would wish I was dead and started to scratch and dig my nails into my skin to try and stop thinking about it, but it didn't help.

Around the same time last year was the start of my all time low. I knew I was gay and that I probably wasn't cis gendered either, and even though I had a psychologist I was feeling even worse. So I started self harming. It wasn't a lot in the beginning, but it became an addiction and by January of this year I would self harm daily. That was also when I started getting bullied. Turns out one guy in my class had seen some of my cuts, and so he would torment me daily, making sick messed up jokes about self harm, in Home Economics class he would get a knife and act like he was cutting himself, and him and his friends would draw red cuts on their arms so it looked like cuts. He tried getting under my skin and it worked, I wish I could have been stronger but it was too much for me. I had contemplated suicide so many times, I started self harming at school, I was close to ending it but fortunately my closest friend and the person I love the most in this whole world convinced me life was worth living. I can't thank her enough for that, Jordana if you're reading this, I love you.

Now I can finally dress and look how I like, I have a pretty much non existent relationship with my biological father but I couldn't care less. I actually got my hair cut really short, he was extremely pissed off but my happiness is more important than that ass. Fortunately my mum, sister, and friends accept me. Now I just have to come out to the rest of my family and few remaining classmates (some people learned I was gay somehow, one being the dude who bullied me, he started using slurs and saying bigoted things, but fortunately my friend's hand and his face have become good friends) then I can get this weight off of my chest.

If anyone knows how I could come out to my family I'd love that, though they all live far away so it would probably have to be online ;

-Sara