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Published: 2014-01-05 01:43:10 +0000 UTC; Views: 4693; Favourites: 230; Downloads: 0
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Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }
it is the third of october
and i am building a castle for us
out of feathers, bird bones,
ocean waves and library book pages.
anything to keep our feet from
touching the ground.
you are sin, he whispers
and his fingers trail cold fire
down my side, scorching flesh
and freezing bone;
brittle pieces of me shatter
as they hit the stained linoleum floor.
don't wake me from this nightmare.
i whisper a nursery rhyme
as i walk down our
autumn path.
kamikaze leaves fall, trailing
fire as they throw themselves from
the branches, down, down,
to cold pavement below.
your words echo in my mind
a constant reminder
that i am sin
but you,
you were
never
god
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Comments: 62
ocean-whispers [2014-05-01 07:08:13 +0000 UTC]
this is so excellent -- i love the repetition and i love the last line.
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SpiderwebWisher [2014-01-12 02:22:37 +0000 UTC]
Hello, I'm a contributor for LiteratureRoadtrip and you have been featured in this week's Friday Feature ! Thank you!
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sootandcinders In reply to SpiderwebWisher [2014-01-12 08:46:06 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much!
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SpiderwebWisher In reply to sootandcinders [2014-01-13 10:37:39 +0000 UTC]
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introverted-ghost [2014-01-07 10:30:13 +0000 UTC]
So lovely!
Congratulations on the DD, dear!
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x-rewind [2014-01-07 09:50:11 +0000 UTC]
How strange! I just finished reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman today and came across this poem. Sent a chill down my spine. Brilliant and powerful.
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hapyape1213 [2014-01-07 03:15:28 +0000 UTC]
that was just amazing!,did you come up with that?
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SpiritOwl [2014-01-07 01:52:16 +0000 UTC]
~<3 Tee-hee
I was born on a Wednesday, in October 0u0 so much woe...
I like your poem, its words seem so pretty and light, even though they're so powerful.
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budderluverrtb [2014-01-06 20:34:36 +0000 UTC]
It is a beautiful story and it has a lot of elements that young readers love
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rockgem [2014-01-06 18:45:33 +0000 UTC]
i love this - it caught my eye to be honest because 3rd Oct is my birthday and i am so very glad i did take the time to read! wonderful work and congratulations on the DD
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FaintSketches [2014-01-06 18:27:33 +0000 UTC]
Mastery of a very specific and personal emotion. I really felt it as I read it.
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rentintent [2014-01-06 15:55:18 +0000 UTC]
The last stanza transforms this from goodness into greatness. Wonderful job!
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RichardSanders1 [2014-01-06 14:16:50 +0000 UTC]
This is awesome! The description, and what is happening and pretty much everything in general is great!
Kind of reminds me of Inception
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Gryffgirl [2014-01-06 12:07:24 +0000 UTC]
A vivid and beautiful poem. Congratulations on your DD!
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DeriveAnemone [2014-01-06 11:43:31 +0000 UTC]
Beautiful and poignant. I love the impact in the last stanza.
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PoneBiscuit [2014-01-06 09:35:55 +0000 UTC]
Very powerful poem, my friend. A well deserved DD to an amazing poet! ^^
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sootandcinders In reply to PoneBiscuit [2014-01-06 17:35:14 +0000 UTC]
Thank you very much!
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anila73 [2014-01-05 20:57:26 +0000 UTC]
This drew me in from the moment I skimmed the first word. It's just. perfect and VERY well written. Agh.
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snowysylva [2014-01-05 04:08:06 +0000 UTC]
I like the image of the first stanza, but I feel the other three are more powerful, to me. Possibly because the first has the rather disconnected "out of feathers, bird bones,
ocean waves and library book pages.
anything to keep our feet from
touching the ground." - I like all these things, but I am struggling to connect them in a way that makes sense. Maybe they are from the library book pages? I think I am taking it too literally as far as keeping feet from touching the ground, which I do not understand.
All in all a very powerful poem. The realization of the final stanza is so satisfying.
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sootandcinders In reply to snowysylva [2014-01-05 14:43:52 +0000 UTC]
that first stanza gave me some issues, and I debated keeping it in there. I may have to do some tweaking, if it stays, to make it a bit more concrete. It was supposed to be more abstract than anything, more the feeling behind those things, than concrete objects. I suppose it all depends on how you choose to interpret things. But I can see how it doesn't fit as well with the other stanzas.
But thank you very much
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snowysylva In reply to sootandcinders [2014-01-06 19:38:32 +0000 UTC]
Actually, re-reading it, I think I was having trouble with the "castle" image, as castles are very sturdy and grounded so it was conflicting with the idea of them floating on these images that embody their emotion. It really is a minor thing, but just a thought if you were to tweak it.
You are welcome And congratulations on the DD!
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