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{-Personal log, LCpl Judas T. Morrison. Date Log Created: June 22nd 2548}

  Despite the Sergeant's attempts to straighten me out with dutywork, my mind wasn't any more at ease. With our ship making random jumps in an attempt to lose the Covenant, we didn't have any more operations to prep for. The other duty shifts were now changing so I was free to do whatever I wanted for a few hours. Not like there was anything that could make me happy or make my shitty decision go away. Well, there was one thing but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. Usually I just go lay in the barracks and listen to music if I'm not working out but...that was hardly an option on my mind at the time.
    With no happiness in sight, I ended up settling for mediocre comfort in the form of a long shower. We're really not supposed to take longer than five minutes and usually you can't anyway with other servicemen in the showers around you. That didn't really stop me. It's not like we had a single shower room and the other shift had already been through. No one else would be here for a little while so I decided to steal a few minutes of privacy to myself. As the water ran down my scalp I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift off again. The moment when I killed that woman flashed in front of me over and over again. I heard her and her child's screams. I heard Farrah's disapproval and ended up fabricating things she'd never said. I imagined my squad hating me, ostracizing me. Shunning me. I could picture my discharge like it was already happening. It came as a surprise that I didn’t think about it until now but I found myself realizing I’d be disappointing my parents as well. They are both Navy officers and would certainly be extra ashamed of what I’d done. I don’t know how I’d ever admit to them. I don’t think I could.
    At some point during my daze I finished cleaning myself and ended up leaving the water running. I knew that if anyone caught me taking a Hollywood shower that it might mean more trouble. After quickly turning the water off I just stood there, thinking. Wondering. Wondering where I went wrong. Wondering why I didn't have a better grip on myself in that moment. I knew it was wrong to act so brazenly like that and I couldn't stop asking myself why I didn't do literally anything else. I was frozen, stuck in place and unable to even dry myself off with a towel. By the time I realized it, I was huddled on the floor in the stall corner. Admittedly…I was crying. Not just for my own self-hatred but for the poor woman whose life I took. For her child who had to hear their mother die. For the husband who had to watch me murder her, despite his skeezy ways.
    I heard Farrah again, asking me what was wrong. I thought it was in my head this time but she repeated herself and I finally realized she was actually standing outside the shower stall. "Hey. You okay?" She asked. Farrah was facing the other direction as to give me a bit of visual privacy. The showers were co-ed so it wasn't like she'd never seen me naked. Or...everyone else for that matter. Eventually I looked up in her direction but I didn't know what to say. I don't remember how long it was but I was silent for a bit before finding the words to say. "I'm sorry," was all I could manage. That caught Farrah off guard. She didn't understand at first but I had to explain how bad I felt. For ruining a family and for letting down my squad. That's a sore understatement but you get the point. Much to my surprise, Farrah wanted to hear me out. She told me Vega didn't want much to do with me and I still don't blame him.
The two of us sat and talked for a good while until I began to shiver from being wet. Farrah threw me a towel and still stayed with me even after I spilled my rambling, depressive thoughts. "Yeah, you fucked up big time. But you feel bad about it and know you were in the wrong. That means you're not a bad person but you need to be held accountable for your shit. I care about you like family. We're all family. I know you want to get better and I want you to, too." Her words stuck with me. Of all people to hate me I thought it would have been her. She had every reason to be in Vega's position because she had no true context. I would have hoped Vega at least had an ounce of empathy but I know I don't deserve it. Farrah was right though. I need to be held accountable. That's why I'm taking this therapy stuff seriously now. I'm going to get better. I'm going to be better.

Description

{-Personal log, LCpl Judas T. Morrison. Date Log Created: June 22nd 2548}

  Despite the Sergeant's attempts to straighten me out with dutywork, my mind wasn't any more at ease. With our ship making random jumps in an attempt to lose the Covenant, we didn't have any more operations to prep for. The other duty shifts were now changing so I was free to do whatever I wanted for a few hours. Not like there was anything that could make me happy or make my shitty decision go away. Well, there was one thing but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. Usually I just go lay in the barracks and listen to music if I'm not working out but...that was hardly an option on my mind at the time.
    With no happiness in sight, I ended up settling for mediocre comfort in the form of a long shower. We're really not supposed to take longer than five minutes and usually you can't anyway with other servicemen in the showers around you. That didn't really stop me. It's not like we had a single shower room and the other shift had already been through. No one else would be here for a little while so I decided to steal a few minutes of privacy to myself. As the water ran down my scalp I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift off again. The moment when I killed that woman flashed in front of me over and over again. I heard her and her child's screams. I heard Farrah's disapproval and ended up fabricating things she'd never said. I imagined my squad hating me, ostracizing me. Shunning me. I could picture my discharge like it was already happening. It came as a surprise that I didn’t think about it until now but I found myself realizing I’d be disappointing my parents as well. They are both Navy officers and would certainly be extra ashamed of what I’d done. I don’t know how I’d ever admit to them. I don’t think I could.
    At some point during my daze I finished cleaning myself and ended up leaving the water running. I knew that if anyone caught me taking a Hollywood shower that it might mean more trouble. After quickly turning the water off I just stood there, thinking. Wondering. Wondering where I went wrong. Wondering why I didn't have a better grip on myself in that moment. I knew it was wrong to act so brazenly like that and I couldn't stop asking myself why I didn't do literally anything else. I was frozen, stuck in place and unable to even dry myself off with a towel. By the time I realized it, I was huddled on the floor in the stall corner. Admittedly…I was crying. Not just for my own self-hatred but for the poor woman whose life I took. For her child who had to hear their mother die. For the husband who had to watch me murder her, despite his skeezy ways.
    I heard Farrah again, asking me what was wrong. I thought it was in my head this time but she repeated herself and I finally realized she was actually standing outside the shower stall. "Hey. You okay?" She asked. Farrah was facing the other direction as to give me a bit of visual privacy. The showers were co-ed so it wasn't like she'd never seen me naked. Or...everyone else for that matter. Eventually I looked up in her direction but I didn't know what to say. I don't remember how long it was but I was silent for a bit before finding the words to say. "I'm sorry," was all I could manage. That caught Farrah off guard. She didn't understand at first but I had to explain how bad I felt. For ruining a family and for letting down my squad. That's a sore understatement but you get the point. Much to my surprise, Farrah wanted to hear me out. She told me Vega didn't want much to do with me and I still don't blame him.
The two of us sat and talked for a good while until I began to shiver from being wet. Farrah threw me a towel and still stayed with me even after I spilled my rambling, depressive thoughts. "Yeah, you fucked up big time. But you feel bad about it and know you were in the wrong. That means you're not a bad person but you need to be held accountable for your shit. I care about you like family. We're all family. I know you want to get better and I want you to, too." Her words stuck with me. Of all people to hate me I thought it would have been her. She had every reason to be in Vega's position because she had no true context. I would have hoped Vega at least had an ounce of empathy but I know I don't deserve it. Farrah was right though. I need to be held accountable. That's why I'm taking this therapy stuff seriously now. I'm going to get better. I'm going to be better.