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Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

I'm watching the teabag start to float.
Watching the steam float, too, and I hold my hand over the cup.

Warm. It's hot.

Don't touch that.

I kind of want to for a second, but then I remember that that would be painful,

and I'm not good with pain.

Leave it, let it alone.

Let it get cold before you bother with it.

And think about this for a second.

My arms feel heavy.

My everything feels heavy.

Searching for profundity among my scattered and self-pitying thoughts.

Let's try too hard and see how that goes.

I think it's come to my attention that I don't have "moments of depression."

I think it's the opposite.

Like, general, consistent bad with bits of good here and there,

A smile here and there,

A laugh,

And then back to the deadpan thing.

Look in the mirror, and I don't smile.

Bathe in water so hot it scalds,

So hot that I'm red afterward.

Brush my hair and it doesn't help.

This unhappy girl is staring at me, and she doesn't like me, either.

Fuck. And that's all I can think. Because I don't have the right words for this.

Ugly. There's one. I feel ugly.

Is that all? Is that why I'm unhappy?

I've felt this way all day.

I look the same every day.

Am I always ugly?
Do I always feel like this?

Do I always want to hide in bed, want to "stop existing"?

"Not die or anything, just to not be."

I know I've said that before.

Surely that's not a good way to feel...

My tea is still too hot to drink.

I didn't use enough sugar.

And it's weak.

Down the sink and start again.

Spilled sugar. Sticking to the bottom of my feet.

Waiting for "inspiration" to strike.

And I just feel like falling...

Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }

I'm watching the teabag start to float.
Watching the steam float, too, and I hold my hand over the cup.

Warm. It's hot.

Don't touch that.

I kind of want to for a second, but then I remember that that would be painful,

and I'm not good with pain.

Leave it, let it alone.

Let it get cold before you bother with it.

And think about this for a second.

My arms feel heavy.

My everything feels heavy.

Searching for profundity among my scattered and self-pitying thoughts.

Let's try too hard and see how that goes.

I think it's come to my attention that I don't have "moments of depression."

I think it's the opposite.

Like, general, consistent bad with bits of good here and there,

A smile here and there,

A laugh,

And then back to the deadpan thing.

Look in the mirror, and I don't smile.

Bathe in water so hot it scalds,

So hot that I'm red afterward.

Brush my hair and it doesn't help.

This unhappy girl is staring at me, and she doesn't like me, either.

Fuck. And that's all I can think. Because I don't have the right words for this.

Ugly. There's one. I feel ugly.

Is that all? Is that why I'm unhappy?

I've felt this way all day.

I look the same every day.

Am I always ugly?
Do I always feel like this?

Do I always want to hide in bed, want to "stop existing"?

"Not die or anything, just to not be."

I know I've said that before.

Surely that's not a good way to feel...

My tea is still too hot to drink.

I didn't use enough sugar.

And it's weak.

Down the sink and start again.

Spilled sugar. Sticking to the bottom of my feet.

Waiting for "inspiration" to strike.

And I just feel like falling...