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TaliDesade — Taking a Break
Published: 2018-12-21 06:38:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 7912; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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You may have noticed I have not posted so much lately. I have been busy with the holidays and stuff, but I have also not felt too motivated to make anything. I am not feeling up for this holiday at all, I'd rather just see it come and go. The family will be getting together, but it will not feel right with the empty seat at the table this year. I dread the idea of opening presents, I don't even know how that is going to work.
I don't think I'll be posting until after New Year's.
However, I will not leave you totally empty handed, I have a couple extra pictures I made of Kat from my 2017 holiday series that I did never posted.
This may refresh your memory.
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Comments: 18
I'm sad to hear that, but I think we all can understand. The holiday can be rough for a lot of people. Wish you all the best!
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Thank you kindly, and happy holidays to you.
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Your anguish is shared, TaliDesade .
Losing a loved one, either as a result of age, infirmity, an unexpected calamity, or some other reason, is never easy ... especially if that loved one is a cherished member of a family, or someone who is an integral part of a person's life.
I've felt an ongoing loss of someone very dear to me for over thirty years, and have never allowed that loss to be minimized by anyone. My love for that special little someone, who I never got to meet because she was taken by God before she could be born, will never be diminished, no matter how many years pass, nor how anyone feels about my longing for a life that could never be.
Your loss cannot be diminished, glossed over, reduced, nor made to go away by anyone, nor by anything anyone can say or type. Your feeling of having an emptiness within you proves your love and intense affection for someone who filled your life with joy, promise, and a feeling of togetherness. Now that this person is no longer with you to share in your love for them, and to take joy in your accomplishments, an intense feeling of emptiness pervades your every waking moment.
Although that feeling of loss causes you tremendous heartache and pain, it does not need to take control of your life nor your daily activities. Yes, the loss of my Angel many years ago has always left me feeling guilty for not having done something to prevent her demise, and for my inability to express my ongoing love for her in ways a normal parent gets to enjoy on a daily basis, but I can and have been able to continue to love her in spite of her absence, and move forward rather than "moving on."
After pondering what to post regarding our shared losses, I've considered so many disparate ideas, and yet none seems to provide the kind of solace either of us, as survivors, needs in order for us to feel good about our shared loss.
People have asked me why I continue to burden myself with the notion of a lost child, when I had no direct impact on her loss, wasn't responsible for it, nor could do anything about saving her life had I known in time. I suppose I can only offer my Angel my enduring love, my constant desire for her presence, and a lingering hope I have been a good man in spite of us not having shared a single moment together.
For you, your loved one held no less a high level of prestige and a place of honor. They were a celebrated member of your life, afforded you tremendous happiness, and perhaps even gave you the courage to live and accomplish so much in life. Rather than isolate yourself, as I have done while immersed in my own sorrows for a lost child, perhaps it might serve you well to remember your loved one in joy rather than sorrow. Celebrate all the happy times you shared, all the arguments you lost, all the quiet moments of reflection close to your loved one, but most of all the time you got to share with them. I, for one, never got to share a single moment with my Angel, because she was taken by a set of medical professionals before our eyes could meet. For that I am burdened with a sense of loss that can't be properly expressed.
Perhaps my post might be taken out of context, or misunderstood, but I hope my pitiful attempt at sharing could be seen as a measure of joy for a life well lived, an existence you were able to share in, and many wonderful times spent together.
Everyone needs time to reflect, especially when it comes to the loss of a loved on. Try not to allow those quiet moments of reflection to be turned into a mired pit of despair and isolation, because how would your loved one wish you to remember them: As someone who caused you to be miserable, or perhaps as a nurturing part of your existence who brought you many moments of happiness and fulfillment?
I genuinely hope your holiday season can be seen in the true spirit of this special time of the year.
With tremendous respect, a shared feeling of loss for a dear loved one, but an ongoing level of support for you to continue living.
Eliston (as Rewdius).
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I cannot imagine how I would handle such a loss like that. However I can see why it would effect one for a lifetime, because you lost a lifetime of a relationship that was never born. No parent should ever have to bury their child, period, and regardless of whether she was born or not, that is a terrible loss. This may sound strange, but I have thought about this subject a lot, perhaps because I have no children. Its a source of the depressions I have, that sense of utter failure as a human. People often ask me if I have any children, and while I am sure they mean no harm with this question, it is not an easy question for me to answer. They always sound surprised when I say no, which quickly ends that attempt to start a conversation. They are never prepared for a no response. But a couple of times they have a response, but the response is even worse. One person told me that "life only begins when you have children" as they smiled. I suppose that might work in a Hallmark movie, but for me. That comment was not helpful at all, as if they assume that I can just have children whenever I want. That's impossible for me.
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Apologies about the long post, but I'm a writer ... and a bombastic one at that.
It appears we are kindred spirits, accidental allies in a battle we cannot win and yet must fight on a daily basis, and brothers from disparate families.
You bring up many things I've had to endure, considered, and felt encumbered by throughout my adult life. Many times those considerations have left me more than wanting ... they've negatively affected my life to the point of my suffering intensely deep depression, the need for something beyond my abilities, or the feeling of having failed in life.
A person's life is [unfairly] determined by those around us, ie society, by their success as a human being ... thus inextricably linked to having offspring and progeny. For those of us who through no fault of our own, because of a biological anomaly, choice, or accident, to not bring new lives into this crazy world seem oft-times to be considered "less than" the norm, thereby somehow inferior or inept is unfair to the extreme. Society and many around us seem unfamiliar with our plight, and either fear or pity us without being able to comprehend what we must contend with on a daily basis.
No words can ever lessen the sting of anguish people like you and I feel, and I'm not going to try to allay your suffering, either for the loss of your loved one, nor for your not having brought a new life into creation. I will, however, make a pitiful attempt to assuage any discomfort you have by offering a minor accomplishment I can claim ... that is to donate blood every 56 days ... and to humans who mean more to me than any other ... babies, infants, premies, and neonates.
I've created a journal entry about a set of circumstances that has affected me tremendously, and something I eagerly ask others to read ...
Baby BloodBeing a blood donor nearly every 56 days since I was a new young adult, something happened to me recently that was beyond coincidence.
As an elder Lad of many years my body is slowly shutting down, and my various organs are reminding me the days ahead of me are far fewer than those behind me. That rude awakening has taken its toll on my well-being, my happiness, and has enhanced my depression a hundred-fold. Getting old isn't for the weak or those who don't have a silver spoon up their nose, but sometimes a glimmer of hope, or perhaps a small measure of gratitude by an unseen force, is bestowed upon even the most undeserving of pervert and older male.
Allow me to exemplify by being a bombastic arse ... yet again.
Recently I received a new, and yet another, prescription from my ever-faithful medical professional to help me with some mature tendencies in the male department. It wasn't until after I'd gotten home and read the boring pamphlet that comes with each new bott.
You see ... I'm a "Baby Donor" or someone who does not have a specific antibody within my liquid life tinted red that kills those tender and precious lives. That antibody would exist in my blood if I had a kind of minor flu called CMV, or Cyto Megalo Virus, and something over 85% of all adult humans have successfully overcome without having known about it. Because I was either never exposed to it, or have been lucky enough to never get it, I am one of about 15% of the population the medical folks call "CMV Negative." That means my blood, at least as far as CMV is concerned, can be given directly to babies, infants, premies, or neonates, and to date I have saved the lives of well over 100 lives ... perhaps many times that number because the people who eagerly take my blood aren't able nor willing to share those specifics with me.
I've been donating blood since I was a new adult in high school, and I've maintained those donations for nearly half a century. Perhaps I did not donate every two months for every year of my adult life, but I've willingly given enough blood to fill a bathtub ... perhaps as many as 200 times ... which would equal 25 gallons. That's over 200 lives I've saved simply by offering something I regularly produce in abundance. For me to ponder saving the lives of nearly 200 babies makes me feel more than proud ... it gives me hope I, in some small way, have been able to bring life into the world each time my blood is administered to someone in desperate need.
In a perverse sort of way I am a father of perhaps 200 children ... whom I'll never meet, who don't know I exist, nor who can thank me for my life-giving offering. However, by giving a part of my life to so many, it's hoped I've been able to accomplish something by proxy in their many accomplishments, as if I was their father during a proud moment of parental reflection.
Since I cannot have children of my own I have chosen to give life to others through six donations a year, or six lives who [hopefully] are able to continue where my Angel was not. How can a man not be proud of having helped so many babies, infants, premies, or neonates?
I genuinely apologize for having brought further despair into your life at a time when happiness and joy are supposed to abound, but there's still time for you, and all who read this entry, to save the life of a person, but more specifically for us ... a baby ... by donating a pint of life giving blood during a time of the year when many men and women feel empty.
It's an easy thing to do, relatively painless, takes little more than an hour, and can be repeated as long as the donor's health and medical condition allow for ongoing donations.
I might have failed my Angel, but I hope she's proud of her father and Daddy for having saved so many more of her kind.
When you consider your loss, take heart in having spent many hours with them, having shared so many wonderful moments, and for telling them you love them more than once. I share your quiet agony, and hope you'll look back in silent reflection upon your loved one's life as joyous and happy times. Please don't allow your loss to determine your future. Take what you have and build upon it, for in sharing a loving memory and a smile ... you've amplified one many times.
With tremendous respect, and a shared kinship neither of us wants nor chose to bear, Eliston (as Rewdius).
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I have had a desire to donate blood, but I have had a lot of bad experiences with needles that make me terrified of them. Nearly every time I have had my blood drawn has ended badly. Very badly. The trouble stems from my very hard to tap veins, nurses can never find them, and even when they do find them, they cannot tap them for whatever reason. The result is often short term nausea, followed by extreme soreness that lasts for days along with a nasty spot on my arm that makes people wonder if I do drugs. This happens every time.
The most recent experience everything actually seemed to be fine...at first. The nurse took my blood, it was only slightly painful, but it was quick and done. I was so relieved! I even thanked the nurse because my experiences are so often horrible. However in the hours and days later it took a turn south. My entire arm turned a horrifying blend of purple, blue, and black, and it hurt like hell. I ended up going to a doctor and they said everything should be ok, it would just take time to heal. It sure didn't look ok, I seriously looked like Death was creeping up my arm like in a fantasy movie. The nurse had pierced the vein too hard, which led to internal bleeding. So that was how she was able to get so much blood so easily, LOL.
It took nearly two weeks for this to clear up. I wore long sleeves (over the summer) and bought a sports sleeve to pull over my arm to avoid having people stare at me wondering what was wrong with me. It even hurt trying to sleep.
I always ask the nurse how much experience they have drawing blood. I try to convey I do not wish to insult them, but my freakin' veins are the stuff of nightmares for blood tapping, and they will need to be very experienced with this type of person. And even though I ask and sometimes do get a more experienced nurse, I still have these issues! There have been several times when the nurses call for backup once they realize how difficult my veins are. I'm surprised I am not on some kind of list yet.
It sucks, because I really would love to donate blood. Maybe not every 56 days, but 2 or 3 times a year would be very cool. As it stands, I am an organ donor, so at least the good parts of my body will hopefully help someone in need when my life ends. That gives me a bit of solace that my life isn't too wasted.
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My most sincere condolences, TaliDesade ... for in suggesting a method to overcome your grief ... I have amplified it without meaning to. Please accept my most humbled apologies.
By your many attempts with so many horrible outcomes, you've done your best to help, but your Maker has negatively affected your desire to give something many others, including myself, apparently don't have nearly as many problems as you have. That's not to say I haven't had a few disasters of my own, because I've also worn the solemn badge of a failed donation more than once. Fortunately I've found a very experienced phlebotomist who can find my veins each time, and his many years of experience have afforded me a welcome respite from being deferred as a result of a bad stick.
You can take solace in your efforts to donate, even though you've rarely if ever have had a successful outcome. Allow me to continue for many years in your stead, and to remember more than my Angel each time I offer my blood ... for in your sharing, I feel a kinship with someone who deserves more than many who simply don't want to donate because of some unrealized fear.
Rest easy, TaliDesade , for you have earned your right to be a supporter as a result of our efforts.
Please don't feel badly, because you've done your best, and deserve to be honored in your own right.
With tremendous respect, your eternal friend and ally, Eliston (as Rewdius ).
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I wouldn't say many attempts at donating, but many attempts at my veins in general. Whether it be for insurance or tests for some of my employment contracts which must be renewed every year, that's where a lot come from. Sometimes I rather wish they would just cut me and let me bleed into a tube. Perhaps I'll try donating again some day. But that last time in particular left quite a literal mark on me. Its kind of comical in a sense.
Take care, and take pride in what you have done. To be so consistent over such a long time is truly admirable. Even if I didn't have my difficult veins, I know I would not have donated on such a level, probably a couple times a year at best.
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You enjoy your break. Everyone needs one every once in a while.
^_^
Here's hoping we get to see more of your talent and skill in the new year.
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Yep. Those empty chairs are hard.
I hope the holiday goes better for you.
Don't forget to go for some fresh air and long walks. It really helps with fighting off low mood.
Be safe!
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