HOME | DD
teejaytiger — WIP - Thus Untitled
by-nc-nd
Published: 2011-08-25 17:57:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 283; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 9
Redirect to original
Description
Is it perfume from a dress that makes me so digress?-Or is it something less?
Something thin, like aging skin,
or freckles, strewn like stars
when viewed from chin to chin.
This is no ordinary rock
with willow leaves to bob like shoulder-length locks,
and I am no ordinary
time-crunching clock.
So when the time comes
for our world to drop
and rise and drop
and rise and drop
we will level off the canyon floors
and mountain tops
to draw a razor-lined landscape
that never stops
how simple that could be!
a circle saying "I am as easy as you wish this all could be."
...
Related content
Comments: 9
I just spotted this in my Favorites and was shocked that I didn't comment on it when I favorited it XD
I think this is a great risk you took, starting off with an Eliot line, but you really made it work. And I LOVE Eliot, so I would definitely be super critical of this if I thought there was anything to be critical about. I agree that the flow is a little off, specifically in "with willow leaves to bob like shoulder-length locks", but I would say that's probably just something that you have to work through. It may just be a matter of omitting some words, or even just moving them around and playing with the line length.
Other than that tiny little issue, I am in love with this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It's already fairly good. There's a lot of imagery already, but maybe work on the form. The way the lines are spaces and formatted.
Other than that, it's great. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really like this- especially out loud. I agree it needs another line at the end- maybe something linked to the beginning, to match the idea of a circle?
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I think this is pretty awesome so far. I'm surprised it doesn't have any favorites yet. We'll just have to do something about that.
I can just imagine how great it'll be once it's finished.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haha thanks so much 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
what i would recomend is adding more pauses. I really like what youve said in this. What you need to do is read it out loud and see where pausing seems natrual. in poetry a cama means short pause and a piriod means a long pause. the only phrase even alittle bit awkward that i found was with willow leaves to bob like shoulder-length locks. if you could refrase the shoulder length locks part the flow would imrove alittle.
hope this helps
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
All of my pieces are typically written for slam, so I'm all about performance and physical motion to supplement the language. That being said, I tend to put my pauses in the actual performance, and not so much on the paper. So I think that with this being very different from what I would normally write, that could very well help.
There is a certain rhythm to the way it is said, and there is a certain way that I read the shoulder-length locks part that kind of makes it kick really well, but in this case, I agree, on paper, I could probably do much better. I never really agreed with that line much anyway
I also want to add a bit to the end, and I have no idea which direction to go.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i thought the ending was fine. i don't know where you could go with it. play around with it aittle. somthing will come to you
👍: 0 ⏩: 1