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theharmonica — Morn
Published: 2007-01-13 12:21:53 +0000 UTC; Views: 104; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description
Gem nor jewel could tear me from this scene,my inward eye imprinted on this fair day,
trampling the slumber-wrought stones with joy,
The sand echoes my call,
The saltwater meets my embrace,
How this day cheers me.
Not another person stirs the enchanting scene,
an ignorant nose turned to the gravel and petroleum scent;
Child-like I stroll across sunflower grain, all ties slashed -
My bones echo the call,
My veins cry for the sea,
How this day has strengthened me.
Enamoured upon this scene,
I pick up a shell; my loving outer eye admires pastel and grooves
put to all-knowing ear and soothing hush approved,
As the sea answers the call,
The sand attaches the willing hand,
How this day will stay with me.
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Comments: 3
Well, I totally suck at advanced critique because, well, if I don't like it, I won't read it and if I do like it, I can't explain why...
The only comment I'd make about this is the meter, it's a bot off sometimes which is quite okay if you'd take another structure, but since you're aiming at a specific effect with the last few lines of each stanza, the different meter spoils it a bit.
I like the images you paint though, a bit 'heavy' words sometimes, but that just may be because I'm not a native English speaker...
Just keep it up, don't wait for more comments to post more, don't be shy!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
