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this-epiphany — Devious Journal Entry
Published: 2012-10-16 04:15:19 +0000 UTC; Views: 1074; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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last night I spent under the body of a man
like a net & I am drowning & nothing
is beautiful
& everything hurts.
---
last night my lover brought me flowers,
said you're scaring me. left the extra
bandages in plain sight. a warning maybe
or a promise: I will keep you safe
from everything, even yourself. but oh
I am safe enough,
too afraid of things that hurt.
---
last night I stood in the shower until
the water ran cold & I was shaking.
crawled into bed with wet hair.
slept. & slept.
---
(I wanted to write something, tried to, but I am
so tired.)
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Comments: 7
^^ that # goes to the national suicide prevention line - which may be helpful if you were in the US
last night I stood in the shower until
the water ran cold & I was shaking.
crawled into bed with wet hair.
slept. & slept.
I do this a lot, although I'm usually curled up on the bottom of the tub. Often it ends when Jenner comes to pull me out. He's actually talking about taking the lock off the door because sometimes I end up scaring him... and I don't blame him
(but, we are lucky we have someone to scare, eh?)
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lover was just scared, I think, because he has a history of mental instability and self-harm, but I'm normally more stable. I have my highs and lows, but never quite as crippling as his are... until this one, which I may have finally shaken. lover built me a kitchen table. and I cut off all my hair again, short and faux-hawked. and I'm spending the weekend with family, carving pumpkins with my baby sister and taking her to see the farm animals.
I asked her what she wanted to carve on her pumpkin, and she says:
"a dolphupine."
"a... what?" I ask.
"a dolphupine."
"what's... a dolphupine?"
"it has the head of a porcupine, and the tail of a dolphin. it's my favourite animal."
"and what does it look like?"
"basically like a dolphin with spikes."
so that's what we're carving. when I relayed the story to lover, I was laughing so hard that I cried.
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I've been holding onto this because the second half makes me giggle so much every time I run across it.
("which I may have finally shaken" - I hope so)
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I thank you honestly and sincerely for the number and your concern. 
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