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thorns — Core City - Prompt
Published: 2010-08-15 02:28:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 2804; Favourites: 15; Downloads: 41
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Description Protagonist:  Jack Ramsey

Jack settled back on his sofa and shook his head. "Fences are independent here. It's better for you and better for us that way."

Pat, his very distant cousin from New York, scoffed at him. "But we're family, Jack. Come on. You can't help us out?"

"I can help you out, but I don't take orders from nobody. I run my business how I run my business." He wasn't going to give in, not even for his mother's family.

"All right, so you run it how you want. We don't care what you do, not really, but help us out with this."  Pat sipped his coffee.

Jack leaned forward. "What do you want me to do, exactly?"

"Not much, just don't deal with the Scarletti Family. Tell them you're busy or on vacation."

"Sounds like you're telling me who to do business with." He had been his own man since he was seventeen and doing small time thefts. At thirty five he wasn't about to fall in line like a sheep.

Pat shook his head. "We're asking you to take a vacation and let the Scarlettis fend for themselves, just for a while."

"Why do you want to put them out of business? They're good business for me. They pay my bills." He needed the money. This couldn't have been worse timing on his cousin's part.

"Not enough to pay your brother's bills too though." His cousin gave him a knowing look.

Everyone knew his brother was a gambling addict. They didn't know that Jack had just emptied his emergency savings and sold three properties to pay off his debts to the Scarletti Family. Jack was flat broke and now wasn't the time to take a vacation.

"You didn't answer the question." He frowned at his cousin.

"They moved into our city and tried to steal our business." Pat scowled. "We're going to return the favor three fold."

"Even if I refuse to do business, and I haven't said that I will, there are two other majors in town." Jack shrugged. "Way I see it, I'd just be losing cash and making an enemy."

His cousin set his coffee aside. "I heard Scarletti thugs have been trying to muscle in on your business too."

"We all say no. We always say no." Jack forced another shrug. "It's good for business that way."

He didn't know how his cousin had gotten such accurate information so quickly. Jack hadn't been approached yet, but Mack was swearing up a storm the day before about it. He was friendly with the other fence and they gave each other the occasional heads up. When it came to the unpredictable Scarletti Family a heads up was a godsend.

"And when one of your competitors says yes, where will you be then?" Pat prodded. "You don't need an independent fence if you have an in-house fence."

"They won't, but I'll think about it." Jack was already thinking about it. Without the Scarlettis he wouldn't have to worry about thugs thinking they owned the whole city.

There was nothing to stop his own family from filling that role, however. If he wanted to be one of their thugs he'd have moved to New York.

As it stood he knew Mack had declined, even with Scarletti threats. That left Mila Salazar as the only other fence able to move Scarletti goods. She had always been independent in the past but Jack didn't know much about her personally. If she bowed to Scarletti threats, he'd be screwed. There was too much riding on an unknown.

"We're moving in, Jack. It's best if you take that into consideration as family." Pat frowned and stood up. "Talk to the other fences. Make sure they understand Scarletti's aren't the only players in town."

"That I can do." Jack escorted him to the door.

"Take care, Jack." His cousin shook his hand.

"I'll be sure to do that." He nodded and closed the door behind Pat.

Alone, Jack called his right hand man.

"What do you need, boss?" Anthony answered with his chain-smoking rasp.

"Tell everyone to avoid Scarletti men and keep their mouthes shut." He wasn't ready to fall in with his cousin, but neither was he going to lend a helping hand to Scarlettis.

"Something going down?"

"Yeah. I don't want to come down on the wrong side on this one, so steer clear," Jack warned.

"I'll get the word out. Anything else?" Anthony was efficient in that way.

"Yeah, one more thing." He hesitated, hoping he wasn't making a mistake. "Find a location on Mila Salazar. Find out everything you can about her. Quietly."

A hostile takeover was going to be bloody, but Jack had no cash and no way out. He needed to come out on top on this one or his business was finished. Hell, he'd be dead if he didn't play his cards right.

#

Protagonist:  Mila Salazar

Seated at the bar, Mila sipped her beer. She watched the door, waiting for George to bring word about her missing peon.

"So I told her she can take her fake bag, that was super tacky with her lime green shoes, by the way. Anyway, I told her she can take her bag and-- Are you listening to me?" Corrine tapped her manicured nails on her beer.

Mila flicked her employee, and friend, a mere glance. "You told her off. Then what'd she do?"

"Right in the store she told me that Jack Ramsey bought her the bag." Corrine slapped her beer on the bar with the juicy gossip.

"The fence Jack Ramsey?" The man was too charismatic to be trusted, but had never caused her problems. She kept up on the gossip anyway. She never knew when information came in handy.

"Yes, that Jack Ramsey. I cannot believe he's sleeping with that skank." She waved her hand with outrage. "He's like a greek god in bed. I shit you not. You have not had sex until you've been with that man."

Mila shook her head, amused. "I'm sure he's just like any other man."

"It's like being a virgin again." Her friend leaned in close. "If I could go back and rechoose who popped my cherry, I'd wait for him."

"Why?" Mila gave the older woman her full attention, perplexed.

She looked around before imparting the next bit of gossip. "Because he is that good. Multiple orgasms good."

The back door opened and George entered. He caught her eye, frowning, and inclined his head toward the stairs.

"I gotta go be the boss." She looked her impeccably dressed friend over as she stood. "I might have an errand for you. Stick around."

"Sure thing, honey." Corrine already turned her attention to the bartender for another drink.

In the office, she closed and locked the door.

George frowned down at her. "You're not going to like it."

"Just spit it out." She crossed her arms over her chest, already knowing what he was going to say. She'd known the truth for weeks, but needed to hear it from someone else.

"Jimmy's dead, and so is Mack." His frown turned into a grimace.

Jimmy and Mack both dead was good for her business, but spelled trouble for her independent status.

The Scarletti Family was looking to vertically integrate all the middle men in Core City. Fences in the city were picky and strong advocates of free trade, however. They worked for everyone and no one exclusively. So when her peon was approached about Mila receiving a "family position" she declined out of hand.

Jimmy, her dead peon, was her go to man for organized crime. Unfortunately for him, he happened to be skimming money off the top. Fortunately for her, when she told the Scarlettis "no thanks" Jimmy was the prime target to send a message.

"You're sure?" She wanted no room for doubt.

"Mack was killed in his shop. A card stuffed in his mouth." Definitely a Scarletti hit then. "Jimmy was hit by the same guy on the docks."

"You're sure?" She still had hoped to hear he was murdered somewhere else. Anywhere else.

"My contact at the station gave me the scoop on Mack. I saw Jimmy myself." George waited for an order.

"Okay." She nodded.

He arched his brow. "Okay?"

"She's downstairs waiting for an errand."

"Okay." George headed for the door.

"George?" Her stomach twisted with indecision.

He paused.

It was too late for Mila to back down. "Make it painless."

He nodded and closed the door behind himself.

Alone, she poured herself a stiff drink from her desk stash.

No one but Corrine had known where Jimmy was going to be, not even Jimmy. In an effort to leave zero doubt about her friend's guilt Mila had dropped him off herself.

She grimaced. Core City was a mess.

Scarlettis lost millions when their money laundering front was robbed in New York. By all accounts they were broke. The crime family was scrambling to stay afloat with New Yorkers moving into town. They were calling in all loans and leaving a trail of dead bodies in their wake.

Her friend owed more than fifty thousand and owned nothing of value to repay the debt. Information on Mila's business was all Corrine had to trade.

She knew that Corrine had no other choice. She understood the desire to live, but it didn't change a thing. Corrine had betrayed her and that was a death sentence in this business.

"Damn you, Corrine." She knocked back her drink and shuddered at the burning in her throat.

Crime in Core City was about to reorganize and it was time to plan a vacation. She didn't want to be near the bloodbath this time around. If anything, one less fence would help cash starve the Scarletti Family. She hoped it pushed the bastards into extinction.

Once the dust settled, she'd be back and free to run her business how she pleased.

#
Related content
Comments: 41

OtakuMaru [2014-10-04 03:08:31 +0000 UTC]

So I don't read we have established this. So i will articulate my thoughts best i can. I felt/could imagine this being a pilot for a up and coming tv series. I got sucked in and now i want to watch/read the next bit. 

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thorns In reply to OtakuMaru [2014-10-04 04:15:06 +0000 UTC]

There is no more sorry.

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iDoux [2012-01-16 20:44:51 +0000 UTC]

Wow, this is really good, i even enjoyed it more, lot more than Mara's Plot, this is really cool... have more of this characters in your gallery i hope, if not, go away from the computer and start writing right now!
got me hooked with this two stories, i had a time when i wrote some stuff, but were more dark and not so long or good...

PD: i didnt finished reading your author comment, damn, then theres nothing left to read from this two characters, but the plot was so good, what happened to the Scarletti? and to Jack cousings? Jack and Mila join forces in the coming war or they fight each other? so many question...

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thorns In reply to iDoux [2012-01-18 20:30:47 +0000 UTC]

Aww, that makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside. I'm sorry there isn't more for you.

Ever think of writing again?

Spoiler (not that it'll be posted haha): Jack and Mila end up happy together with many crook babies. Scarletti men are pretty much wiped out or run out of town by their competitors.

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iDoux In reply to thorns [2012-01-20 16:21:04 +0000 UTC]

Hahahaha, no problem im passionate about lit, a lot as you can see. And it cant be more one than me, it would be a time paradox and the doctor said it would crash down the world, so no more another me around here

Well i always have ideas to short stories, im very influenced by european metal, games, and other books i read, sometimes movies, or comics, or real life, i have lots of stories ideas, the problem is that im not that great writter and it costs me to organize my ideas, i dont have a writting method, i wish i could learn all that stuff, sure i would do some intresting stuff, the other fact is the time, i dont have too much time lately, so i just tell the stories in my mind and sometimes i wrote the ideas, sometimes i just tell my sotires to friends or to their kids, im really popular among them by the way, im uncle douglas sometimes, is really funny... damn again my talking sh***

Well i guessed that Jack would hit on Mila, she's really sexy, love her attitude and rudeness, hope is some of you in that character... Scarletti deserves a slow and tragic... well game over would be nice...

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squeezelouise [2011-06-02 19:18:39 +0000 UTC]

(I told you I'd work through your gallery I'm slowly working towards the present)

This is awesome! I love the way you write. Even though I have no idea what peons or fences are I really feel like I got a sense of everything that's going on here. You lead into what's going on at just the right pace, with what feels like the right amount of detail for a short.

So yeah, kinda love it

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thorns In reply to squeezelouise [2011-06-03 02:31:06 +0000 UTC]

So you are! It's nice to see the stops along the way.

Peons are like lemmings or proles. They're just bottom rung 'red shirt' guys who do what they're told. Fences are people who essentially move / sell stolen goods.

Glad you liked it and much appreciated to hear the feedback. You might also like Routine 23 in my gallery, but that's more recent.

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squeezelouise In reply to thorns [2011-06-03 07:32:14 +0000 UTC]

Lol yeah. I was supposed to be revising so I couldn't make it through many lit things yet, I'm working on it though.

Ahh, thanks for explaining. I'm a firm believer in "ask a question and you'll be a fool for a moment, don't ask and you'll be a fool forever" so glad I'm a fool no more!

I'll keep an eye out for it! Can't wait to read it, especially if it comes approved by you.

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TheStorageGnome [2011-05-15 04:59:04 +0000 UTC]

Thorns! I come to read stuff... dun let the icon eat me, mmmkay? So first off the story really hooked my interest, especially because you have a real knack for writing believable characters and dialogue. Plus I love the whole pseudo-mafia thing. Crooks are the best! As for crit, I think it could do with a bit more character and environmental descriptions. For example,

She looked over her impeccably dressed friend as she stood. - "impeccably" is kind of a useless adverb that doesn't say anything about the character. More description here would be good like "hair pinned up, not a strand out of place, high heeled Mary Janes, etc."

On that note, I completely didn't see Mila being ruthless enough to kill Corrine off. Great ending for her segment - it packed a strong punch. Jake's bit was excellent too. I must stalk your other writings now...

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thorns In reply to TheStorageGnome [2011-05-16 17:20:05 +0000 UTC]

No worries. Icon is leashed (and napping).

Crooks are the best! Thank you for the lovely compliments. I think you have just doubled the size of my ego.

Crit: You have discovered my ultimate weakness. My ego is deflated! Descriptions are always ruining a good thing. If only the icon could eat them and then life would be perfect!

Grown up response: I agree. I've been working on that since this piece and had some progress, but not enough. Slowly but surely. That's a really good example by the way. Am I allowed to steal from it?

Funny you should say that because I didn't realize how ruthless she really was until days after I finished that segment. In Mila's defense she's not normally that bad (for a crook ), but Corrine sold her out. Mila didn't want to be the next person dead. Can't have that because then she'd never meet Jack and have little crook babies.

Anyway!

Thank you for the feedback. It's much appreciated when you take the time to tell me what you think (and where I can improve!).

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TheStorageGnome In reply to thorns [2011-05-24 04:46:56 +0000 UTC]



Doubling ego size is a good thing. Especially when your stories suck me in so well. Hooray for crooks!

D: Deflated already? But I just doubled it! Now, now, don't blame it all on the icon. I'm sure he'd get a tummy ache from eating too many descriptions and the world would be a very dull place after he was through.

I love your "grown up response." I needa get me one of those. And certainly you may steal from it! I am honored to have my words stolen... erm... just by you though. With permission and all that.

That Corrine sealed her own fate. They have crook babies?!

Sure thing. I try to give my humble opinion whenever I am not busy being a slug.

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thorns In reply to TheStorageGnome [2011-05-28 17:01:57 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, my ego doubled and deflated all in the same comment. It's okay though, I'm working on it. And who can write with the giant ego taking up the whole room?

Grown up responses make you sound all grown up, especially when you're not. Everyone should have one to deflect from all my their immature moments.

I will most probably steal from your example then. (As soon as I get around to editing old pieces!)

Crook babies, yep! They're the best! (Okay, I haven't written that, but that's in their future because I say it is!)

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TheStorageGnome In reply to thorns [2011-06-01 04:16:57 +0000 UTC]

See, Thorns, I am working to keep you at a happy equilibrium.

I refuse to grow up! I watched My Little Pony at work today and it was good - ponylicious good! Then my boss came in and told me to grow up.

Hooray! I am a flattered gnome.

How adorable. Are they boys or girls?

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thorns In reply to TheStorageGnome [2011-06-03 01:08:34 +0000 UTC]

They still have My Little Pony?

Girls. Absolutely little girls because Jack would be so frazzled.

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TheStorageGnome In reply to thorns [2011-06-03 02:16:17 +0000 UTC]

Actually, they have a new series called Friendship is Magic with bug-eyed dinosaur looking ponies that has gained an ungodly amount of popularity. I figured I'd finally see what the fuss was all about.

Waaaa! Frazzled daddy Jack~ That's so adorable. I'm melting into raspberry jam now. You needa hurry up and write this.

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thorns In reply to TheStorageGnome [2011-06-03 05:17:55 +0000 UTC]

That sounds... crazy. Was it any good?

It's one of those self indulgent projects (that means it has a lot of sex) that I work on from time to time, but never finish. I'm trying to figure out how to extract some of the conversation and info from the sex parts, but it's all so intertwined. I might be able to post their first meeting pre-behind-a-locked-door part once I clean it up.

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TheStorageGnome In reply to thorns [2011-06-03 05:24:27 +0000 UTC]

It wasn't bad, erm, ya know... for a pony show. It's not like I spent an ungodly amount of time watching it or anything.

Yeah, I remember you mentioned that in the comments. You could always write up the part with the babies - erm - leaving out the baby making itself - and post it to feed your gnome. I like the plot as a crime thriller though, but like I said erotic isn't really my thing. But I can understand not really being able to take it apart if that's the genre you're writing for.

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Zophirus [2010-12-24 14:16:56 +0000 UTC]

I wish I could muster up an in-depth critique of this but I'm still a little stunned. You've developed the setting so comprehensively and as others say, your dialogue is unbelievable! I wish I could write like this.

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thorns In reply to Zophirus [2010-12-24 16:01:10 +0000 UTC]

If you keep leaving me comments, I'm going to develop an ego problem. I think you should go find something to criticize to bring me back down to earth.

Joking aside, thank you a ton for the comment. Telling me what works is equally as helpful as what doesn't.

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Zophirus In reply to thorns [2010-12-24 21:21:54 +0000 UTC]

Heheh, well, I'm going to read Mother Nature's Wrath (which looks AWESOME from the little snippets I've read so far) and Mara's Plot and comment on those so maybe I'll find an imperfection tucked away somewhere in one of those? I doubt it

I will say that in this, the references to Scarletti sounded strange. It looked like a lot of the time it should have been "the Scarletti men" or perhaps "Scarletti's men" instead of "Scarletti men" - this happened quite a lot in Jack's story and it didn't read quite right. Seriously though, that's the only very minor fault.

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thorns In reply to Zophirus [2010-12-24 23:31:52 +0000 UTC]

You'll find issues with both of the other stories. I'm sure of it.

I see all sorts of things I want to change about Mara's plot. That was my first foray into short fiction in years; I learned a ton in the last few months. I received a ton of great critiques on Mother Nature's Wrath too. I don't know about Mara's Plot edits, but I'm going to edit Mother Nature's Wrath in January.

I'll keep the Scarletti references in mind in the future, thank you.

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Zophirus In reply to thorns [2010-12-29 16:47:58 +0000 UTC]

Cool, I'll hold off on MNW until you've edited then, so I can critique the updated version

Mara's Plot, I'll do soon. Maybe. Damn you, work, give me more free time!

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Fluxicity [2010-12-06 00:22:21 +0000 UTC]

Often with gangster flicks you lose the core and essence of what really creates the tension between various characters. Reading something like this, while it is complex to understand for an outsider at first, you quickly become immersed in a world marred by violence and racketeering. The way in which you've also built up the main drive for the story, bringing in anxiety by the bucketload, is absorbing and dramatic. Fantastic piece of literature

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thorns In reply to Fluxicity [2010-12-06 16:17:50 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much. Your comments really made my day. I waited to respond hoping I could think up something witty in response to your kind comments. Unfortunately this is the best I can do. So, a big, fat thank you for taking the time to comment and fav. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece.

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Fluxicity In reply to thorns [2010-12-13 15:35:52 +0000 UTC]

You're very welcome Sorry it's taken me a while to respond, had influenza for a while now >_< Anyway, I hope this piece goes on to be recognised for what it is - a brilliant piece of literature

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thorns In reply to Fluxicity [2010-12-16 03:32:03 +0000 UTC]

I hope you feel better soon. Have some and get some rest

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EmmaSloane [2010-12-02 09:28:22 +0000 UTC]

Congratulations on the DLD and Pick of the Day. I love the idea that your dialog splatters on the page magically!

All the best,

Emma

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thorns In reply to EmmaSloane [2010-12-02 15:18:47 +0000 UTC]

Thanks.

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MaddyJordan [2010-12-02 06:52:46 +0000 UTC]

That was really interesting to read! I enjoyed it very much so.

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thorns In reply to MaddyJordan [2010-12-02 15:18:24 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.

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KneelingGlory [2010-12-01 10:07:27 +0000 UTC]

I. Love. Your. Dialog.

I have such a difficult time writing dialog that flows naturally and also showcases the character! You pulled it off flawlessly! Well done.

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thorns In reply to KneelingGlory [2010-12-01 15:45:43 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! That means a lot to me coming from you.

But don't tell anyone that I have no idea how to do it. Dialog just comes out and splatters on the page. I think it might be magic.

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KneelingGlory In reply to thorns [2010-12-01 22:04:34 +0000 UTC]

Your secret is safe with me!

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thorns In reply to KneelingGlory [2010-12-02 02:54:24 +0000 UTC]

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DailyLitDeviations [2010-12-01 09:51:48 +0000 UTC]

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) and has been selected as our Pick of the Day. It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.

Keep writing and keep creating.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

thorns In reply to DailyLitDeviations [2010-12-01 15:41:05 +0000 UTC]

Woot! Thank you.

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Kitri-du-Lac [2010-11-30 12:24:58 +0000 UTC]

Combining two first person narratives into one story, this opening piece sets up a world unfamiliar to the reader. It boldy uses terminology and phrases to establish the world as real, despite the potential for reader uncertainty. Despite this, the piece is compelling and interesting to read.

I have decided to suggest this to *DailyLitDeviations . If chosen your piece will feature in one of their daily newsletters. Good luck!

It would be appreciated if you would take the time to send me a note with a link to any prose pieces, by any other deviants, that you feel deserve to be featured.

(and I think you should post the rest personally, I'd like to read it)

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

thorns In reply to Kitri-du-Lac [2010-12-01 15:38:57 +0000 UTC]

Aw, thank you so much!

I didn't think anyone would actually read it (), so I had a little fun. I'm glad it turned out well enough for your enjoyment. Thank you again for suggesting / featuring this piece and your kind description.

I've been meaning to work on suggesting features. Expect a note some time next week.

(The rest is still a mangled mess in need of edits and all about sex. I'm afraid it'd be deleted, but when / if I clean it up for posting I'll send you a link.)

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Arisa-tan [2010-08-15 17:45:03 +0000 UTC]

Nice! Loved reading this all Trying to learn from it a bit!

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thorns In reply to Arisa-tan [2010-08-15 17:54:15 +0000 UTC]

Thanks.

Drop me a note if you have any questions or want to chit chat about writing.

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Arisa-tan In reply to thorns [2010-08-15 18:03:45 +0000 UTC]

I should write on Chaos and Prompts instead
I'm just far too busy with stuff

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