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Description

Reconciliation

It was 02:27. I was still tossing and turning in bed. I had such a headache from still not being able to sleep. Such a headache from all of these thoughts in my head, each of them begging for my attention. It was a futile battle. The longer I lay awake, the more stressed I became about losing even more precious sleep, which made it even harder to fall asleep. My heart rate was ridiculously high. And for what? What was I even stressing out about?

Nothing specific. Just random thoughts, popping in and out of my awareness. Thoughts and stressors that had just been noise in the back of my mind during the day. But now that I had nothing to distract myself with, this background noise was on full volume. Things I shouldn’t have said. Things I shouldn’t have done. And it’s only going to get worse. Stressful times are ahead, times at which I will have to perform at my best to reach my fullest potential. And if I do not, I might fail. And if I fail, how could I ever be at peace with myself? How could I ever be satisfied with who I am if things don’t go the way I want them to?

I changed my position for the 37th time, and I was still wide awake. Everything felt uncomfortable, no matter how I lay. I tried to focus on my breath to crowd out any other intruding thoughts. But they kept barging in, no matter how hard I tried to keep them at bay. My mind would not leave me in peace, would not let me calm down. I was not strong enough to fight back, so I let it torture me as I silently cried to myself.

Insomnia was the worst kind of torture I have ever experienced. It was a kind of torture that left me feeling completely helpless, like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. I wanted to have control over the things that happened in my life – yet sleep was the one thing that I had absolutely no control over. And the more I tried to control it, the worse it became. Sometimes it felt like I had forgotten how to sleep, and it was truly agonizing.

It took absolute ages. Finally, after what felt like forever, sleep grabbed a hold of my fatigued mind, and I drifted off into a dream…

I was standing in an empty space, with only white fog all around me. Suddenly, I saw a mysterious figure approaching me. She was so dark, her features were barely recognizable, and her walk looked so surreal, as if she was gliding on thin air. In fact, she looked more like a shadow than an actual living being.

“Who... who are you?” I gasped.

“I am you,” she replied, her voice flat and serious.

I squinted and stared hard at her. She did look like me. That was when I recognized her.

“N-No! You're not me! You're my inner demon! The demon that has been haunting me and causing me to suffer!” I cried, pointing accusingly at her.

She let out a small chuckle before turning dead serious again as she said, “Of course you would call me that. I shouldn't have expected anything different from you.”

“All those sleepless nights you kept me awake, all those times overthinking, stressing out and driving myself crazy! I'm an anxious wretched mess! I cannot sleep! All because of you!! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you tormenting me?” I cried. I sunk to the ground, crouching on my knees, as I held my face in my hands to hide some tears that were escaping from my eyes.

“You don't understand, you fool. Have you ever tried looking at it from my point of view?” the shadow asked, shaking her head in disappointment.

“You're a demon! What else is there to understand? Why can't you just leave me alone?! My life would be so much easier! Because of you I feel miserable!” I spat, balling my hands into fists as if wanting to punch her.

“Are you really that stupid? Do you have any idea how badly you have been treating me and how much it hurts??” the shadow cried, looking at me angrily. But I could see the pain in her dark eyes. I stared at her blankly, not knowing what she meant.

Before I could say anything, she resumed, “I've already told you. I'm not a demon. I am you. A part of you that you have neglected and tried to shut away into a dark corner of your mind.”

I slowly lowered my guard and instead started observing her closely, asking, “What are you talking about?”

“I cannot leave you alone because I am a part of you. We used to be friends, remember?”

“Remember... what?” I asked, utterly confused.

“I am your deepest thoughts, feelings and desires. You used to give me so much attention. You used to listen to me. When I had something to say, you let me speak. And simply by making room for me in your life and acknowledging my concerns, the burden on your shoulders was lessened. Now you are ignoring me, that is why the burden is only growing. And it is only a matter of time until it will become too heavy and you will crack under its weight.”

“But… aren’t you the one causing all this suffering for me?” I asked.

“Indirectly, you could say so. But you have only yourself to blame for that, because you have neglected me. I am not a demon, and it is not my purpose to hurt you. I am simply a part of you that wants to be heard. And if you don't give me a chance to be a part of your life, I will get angry and keep you up all night. Because by not taking care of me, you are not taking care of yourself. Why do you think your mental health has been declining? The more you try to shut me away, the angrier I will get. Don't you see? I am tired of being locked away, tired of being crowded out by your distractions. We used to hang out so much… And I miss those times,” the shadow explained, hanging her head in sorrow.

Tears came to my eyes, and I smiled softly. “I do remember,” I said pensively. “We were a team, you and I. I used to dedicate a lot of time to you. Every day, I made space in my life to occupy myself with my inner world. It was so... refreshing… to be with you, to reflect on all the ideas you brought to my mind. You were a source of inspiration for me. Writing in my diary, going for long walks without listening to music, channeling my emotions into creative artworks, taking the time to reflect on my thoughts and feelings, devoting my undivided attention to you. Our time together was a sort of self therapy for me.”

Nodding, the shadow looked me straight in the eyes. “We spent such great times together, you and me. I thought our friendship was unbreakable… But then you started neglecting me, slowly but surely. You left me behind. Cast me away. Left me to rot away at the back of your mind!” she cried with tears in her eyes.

I felt a sting of guilt in my heart. For a moment, I didn’t know how to respond, how to phrase the words together into a coherent sentence. “You are right,” I finally admitted. “I hadn’t realized how much I had been neglecting my inner world, how much I had been neglecting you. Until now. I guess that must be the reason why I am suffering.”

“Yes, it is,” she confirmed. “You have been going through your life, purposely distracting yourself all the time, so that you don't need to occupy yourself with your thoughts and feelings. You constantly keep yourself busy, either through work, scrolling mindlessly through the internet, or by blasting music into your ears so that you can't hear your thoughts. You have been drowning out my cries. And ever since you left me behind, you were missing out on the good that I used to bring into your life. I am not your enemy, but you have turned me into one by neglecting me,” the shadow explained. “And the more you neglect me, the louder my cries become.”

It made sense to me now. The solution was not to fight my inner demon. On the contrary. The solution was to treat her with the compassion she deserved. In fact, this really was no demon. This was a miserable part of myself that I had failed to take care of. She was a wretched mess. And that was why I was a wretched mess. With this realization, I started crying again. I took a step towards her and reached for her hand. She let me take it as she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry for what I have done to you. Please forgive me,” I said.

We looked each other in the eyes for a moment. She smiled softly when she realized that I meant it. “I am sorry too. Does this mean… that I can become a part of your life again?” she asked, with a glint of hope in her eyes.

“I have become so used to behaving the way I do, that I cannot promise to become a better person overnight. But I can promise that I will try, and that I want to better myself little by little over time. I… I want to be friends with you again,” I said, crying again.

“Me too,” she replied with a smile, tears filling her eyes.

My alarm clock rang and tore me out of the dream. I got up, head aching and feeling exhausted. I had probably only slept for 3 hours. Before I had the chance to stress out about how painful the day would be with so little sleep, I suddenly recalled the dream that I had. I paused, taking some time to recollect whatever memories I could hold onto. I remembered every detail. How unusual. As if… as if my brain was trying to tell me something. As if this had truly been my inner demon having a conversation with me.

I went into the bathroom and looked at the frighteningly fatigued face in the mirror. I looked like an absolute mess, and I had dark circles around my eyes. The face in the mirror stared back at me with sad eyes, and I could not avert my gaze just yet. I held my hand up and placed it onto the mirror, with the palm of my hand touching my reflection’s.

“I’m… so sorry…,” I said. “I will try to take better care of you.”

I smiled softly at my reflection. She smiled back, as if trying to tell me that she forgives me. As if trying to tell me that everything will be alright.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've had this finished for a while now, but was contemplating for a long time whether I should upload it or not because it's very personal. But whatever, now it's done. I tried a more free and sketchy style with this drawing here, and I kinda like it. The background is a photo because I'm lazy.

For anyone who is going through a similar situation - I know if feels inescapable, like you are trapped, but believe me when I say... hold on. It can get better. It will get better. But it requires work. Treat yourself and your demons with compassion. Anxiety/insomnia/depression isn't here for no reason. It's here to say that something is wrong, something must change. Don't ignore it. It's hard but... I'm... I'm trying my best.

Description

Reconciliation

It was 02:27. I was still tossing and turning in bed. I had such a headache from still not being able to sleep. Such a headache from all of these thoughts in my head, each of them begging for my attention. It was a futile battle. The longer I lay awake, the more stressed I became about losing even more precious sleep, which made it even harder to fall asleep. My heart rate was ridiculously high. And for what? What was I even stressing out about?

Nothing specific. Just random thoughts, popping in and out of my awareness. Thoughts and stressors that had just been noise in the back of my mind during the day. But now that I had nothing to distract myself with, this background noise was on full volume. Things I shouldn’t have said. Things I shouldn’t have done. And it’s only going to get worse. Stressful times are ahead, times at which I will have to perform at my best to reach my fullest potential. And if I do not, I might fail. And if I fail, how could I ever be at peace with myself? How could I ever be satisfied with who I am if things don’t go the way I want them to?

I changed my position for the 37th time, and I was still wide awake. Everything felt uncomfortable, no matter how I lay. I tried to focus on my breath to crowd out any other intruding thoughts. But they kept barging in, no matter how hard I tried to keep them at bay. My mind would not leave me in peace, would not let me calm down. I was not strong enough to fight back, so I let it torture me as I silently cried to myself.

Insomnia was the worst kind of torture I have ever experienced. It was a kind of torture that left me feeling completely helpless, like there was nothing I could do to make it stop. I wanted to have control over the things that happened in my life – yet sleep was the one thing that I had absolutely no control over. And the more I tried to control it, the worse it became. Sometimes it felt like I had forgotten how to sleep, and it was truly agonizing.

It took absolute ages. Finally, after what felt like forever, sleep grabbed a hold of my fatigued mind, and I drifted off into a dream…

I was standing in an empty space, with only white fog all around me. Suddenly, I saw a mysterious figure approaching me. She was so dark, her features were barely recognizable, and her walk looked so surreal, as if she was gliding on thin air. In fact, she looked more like a shadow than an actual living being.

“Who... who are you?” I gasped.

“I am you,” she replied, her voice flat and serious.

I squinted and stared hard at her. She did look like me. That was when I recognized her.

“N-No! You're not me! You're my inner demon! The demon that has been haunting me and causing me to suffer!” I cried, pointing accusingly at her.

She let out a small chuckle before turning dead serious again as she said, “Of course you would call me that. I shouldn't have expected anything different from you.”

“All those sleepless nights you kept me awake, all those times overthinking, stressing out and driving myself crazy! I'm an anxious wretched mess! I cannot sleep! All because of you!! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you tormenting me?” I cried. I sunk to the ground, crouching on my knees, as I held my face in my hands to hide some tears that were escaping from my eyes.

“You don't understand, you fool. Have you ever tried looking at it from my point of view?” the shadow asked, shaking her head in disappointment.

“You're a demon! What else is there to understand? Why can't you just leave me alone?! My life would be so much easier! Because of you I feel miserable!” I spat, balling my hands into fists as if wanting to punch her.

“Are you really that stupid? Do you have any idea how badly you have been treating me and how much it hurts??” the shadow cried, looking at me angrily. But I could see the pain in her dark eyes. I stared at her blankly, not knowing what she meant.

Before I could say anything, she resumed, “I've already told you. I'm not a demon. I am you. A part of you that you have neglected and tried to shut away into a dark corner of your mind.”

I slowly lowered my guard and instead started observing her closely, asking, “What are you talking about?”

“I cannot leave you alone because I am a part of you. We used to be friends, remember?”

“Remember... what?” I asked, utterly confused.

“I am your deepest thoughts, feelings and desires. You used to give me so much attention. You used to listen to me. When I had something to say, you let me speak. And simply by making room for me in your life and acknowledging my concerns, the burden on your shoulders was lessened. Now you are ignoring me, that is why the burden is only growing. And it is only a matter of time until it will become too heavy and you will crack under its weight.”

“But… aren’t you the one causing all this suffering for me?” I asked.

“Indirectly, you could say so. But you have only yourself to blame for that, because you have neglected me. I am not a demon, and it is not my purpose to hurt you. I am simply a part of you that wants to be heard. And if you don't give me a chance to be a part of your life, I will get angry and keep you up all night. Because by not taking care of me, you are not taking care of yourself. Why do you think your mental health has been declining? The more you try to shut me away, the angrier I will get. Don't you see? I am tired of being locked away, tired of being crowded out by your distractions. We used to hang out so much… And I miss those times,” the shadow explained, hanging her head in sorrow.

Tears came to my eyes, and I smiled softly. “I do remember,” I said pensively. “We were a team, you and I. I used to dedicate a lot of time to you. Every day, I made space in my life to occupy myself with my inner world. It was so... refreshing… to be with you, to reflect on all the ideas you brought to my mind. You were a source of inspiration for me. Writing in my diary, going for long walks without listening to music, channeling my emotions into creative artworks, taking the time to reflect on my thoughts and feelings, devoting my undivided attention to you. Our time together was a sort of self therapy for me.”

Nodding, the shadow looked me straight in the eyes. “We spent such great times together, you and me. I thought our friendship was unbreakable… But then you started neglecting me, slowly but surely. You left me behind. Cast me away. Left me to rot away at the back of your mind!” she cried with tears in her eyes.

I felt a sting of guilt in my heart. For a moment, I didn’t know how to respond, how to phrase the words together into a coherent sentence. “You are right,” I finally admitted. “I hadn’t realized how much I had been neglecting my inner world, how much I had been neglecting you. Until now. I guess that must be the reason why I am suffering.”

“Yes, it is,” she confirmed. “You have been going through your life, purposely distracting yourself all the time, so that you don't need to occupy yourself with your thoughts and feelings. You constantly keep yourself busy, either through work, scrolling mindlessly through the internet, or by blasting music into your ears so that you can't hear your thoughts. You have been drowning out my cries. And ever since you left me behind, you were missing out on the good that I used to bring into your life. I am not your enemy, but you have turned me into one by neglecting me,” the shadow explained. “And the more you neglect me, the louder my cries become.”

It made sense to me now. The solution was not to fight my inner demon. On the contrary. The solution was to treat her with the compassion she deserved. In fact, this really was no demon. This was a miserable part of myself that I had failed to take care of. She was a wretched mess. And that was why I was a wretched mess. With this realization, I started crying again. I took a step towards her and reached for her hand. She let me take it as she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry for what I have done to you. Please forgive me,” I said.

We looked each other in the eyes for a moment. She smiled softly when she realized that I meant it. “I am sorry too. Does this mean… that I can become a part of your life again?” she asked, with a glint of hope in her eyes.

“I have become so used to behaving the way I do, that I cannot promise to become a better person overnight. But I can promise that I will try, and that I want to better myself little by little over time. I… I want to be friends with you again,” I said, crying again.

“Me too,” she replied with a smile, tears filling her eyes.

My alarm clock rang and tore me out of the dream. I got up, head aching and feeling exhausted. I had probably only slept for 3 hours. Before I had the chance to stress out about how painful the day would be with so little sleep, I suddenly recalled the dream that I had. I paused, taking some time to recollect whatever memories I could hold onto. I remembered every detail. How unusual. As if… as if my brain was trying to tell me something. As if this had truly been my inner demon having a conversation with me.

I went into the bathroom and looked at the frighteningly fatigued face in the mirror. I looked like an absolute mess, and I had dark circles around my eyes. The face in the mirror stared back at me with sad eyes, and I could not avert my gaze just yet. I held my hand up and placed it onto the mirror, with the palm of my hand touching my reflection’s.

“I’m… so sorry…,” I said. “I will try to take better care of you.”

I smiled softly at my reflection. She smiled back, as if trying to tell me that she forgives me. As if trying to tell me that everything will be alright.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've had this finished for a while now, but was contemplating for a long time whether I should upload it or not because it's very personal. But whatever, now it's done. I tried a more free and sketchy style with this drawing here, and I kinda like it. The background is a photo because I'm lazy.

For anyone who is going through a similar situation - I know if feels inescapable, like you are trapped, but believe me when I say... hold on. It can get better. It will get better. But it requires work. Treat yourself and your demons with compassion. Anxiety/insomnia/depression isn't here for no reason. It's here to say that something is wrong, something must change. Don't ignore it. It's hard but... I'm... I'm trying my best.