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Time-Lapse — To Me Myself
Published: 2005-04-06 03:05:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 128; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 4
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Description
Mind is wondering round and round,To me myself I can not be found.
It is safe not to believe in me,
Even myself I do deceive.
Minds have there tricks ,
But mine seems to have a tick,
To mess me up in the end,
So to me myself I can not defend.
Assumptions form my mind,
Of what I could and what is behind.
In life I find no,
To me myself I lost my...
My mind seems to be out of control ,
To me myself its only the intro.
Even though only in my defeat,
Am I ever, really complete.
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Comments: 14
What has been said pretty much covers it all, but still you get the point across and it's one I haven't seen yet on DA. Keep it up, and fix those little things this will be perfect.
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Okay... thanks for the help.
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I agree with =reaumursboilingpoint , flowing and adding imagery is often better than rhyming...only rhyme when it comes easily
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Ya i see what you mean. thanks
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The mind can decieve of that is so true. I didn't understand the lines "Assumptions form my mind,
Of what I could and what is behind" could you tell me what you meant by that,? Some of it I felt was hard to read, the beginning started strong but after that I felt the poem kind of bounced around. My poetry tends to do that to. I'm far from good at writing, im sure you can find lots of flaws in mine hehe but...im just giving you my opinion
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The play has some fragments that reflect my ADD mind the idea behind Assumptions form my mind,
Of what I could and what is behind
Is talking about regrets of the past. of what could of happened and what i never finished.
thanks for the comment
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One of the parts I found awkward was the line "In life I find no determination". 'Determination' is a really long word to have in a line of poetry. I'm been looking at thesaurus.com for words that fit better, but I've not had much luck. If you turned "no determination" to "only..." that creates a backward chance for using antonyms to gain a rhyme.
And for the first two lines of the last stanza, I suggest looking for a word to rhyme with control. " ~~ hole" is the most obvious one, but you can find more here [link] 
If I think of anything better, I'll let you know.
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Thanks you gave me somthing to work on thanks again.
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I like this poem and the thought.
What i did notice, however, was the uncomfortable rhythm and occasional forced rhyme. There are some places in there that you've twisted almost to the extent of being difficult for the reader to comprehend.
Guide the readers, as the readers judge your poems.
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I know what you mean. What parts do you sujest working on i can't pin point the problum i just know its there. I am probly to close if you know what i mean. Any advice is welcome. thanks.
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tsk tsk tsk letting your mind get the better of you jeez
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Its sad when you fight your mind and you lose....
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