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Description
Weit Tankwagen!: by Brian Comforti

The Weit Tankwagen is a tank that looms over New Germany at a colossal 50 stories high. Virtually indestructible, but also virtually harmless, the construction of this tank was started at the end of World War I and finished mid World War II, this tank was never unleashed on the public, mostly due to the rushed circumstances towards the end of construction, since the German engineers were called to other duties. The unfinished tank was sent to Russia, where the Soviet Union would hide it deep in the center of Russia, where the allies wouldn’t find it. As I had mentioned, the construction was rushed, so the cannons that lined the sides of the tank were never made operational by the Nazi’s. Instead they made them into high-powered flashlights that shot out confetti, which would have been used for a German celebration if they won the war. Recently the Germans had restored the long forgotten Tankwagen, and made outposts on top of the giant searchlights where the Germans could post bombardiers to throw explosives from above to hit targets down below. Since the Tankwagen is so enormous, the bombs usually exploded halfway and didn’t do much damage, except maybe singeing a few hairs on a victim’s air from the cool to warm sparks and shrapnel that were falling from the heavens. The Tankwagen moves at a remarkable velocity for its size. Roughly 3 mph at top speeds, the Weit Tankwagen can easily trample anyone who is too damn slow to get out of the way. Due to the recent skyrocketing oil prices, the German engineers created a new energy source for the Wagen to run on. Ramen! With the high sodium contents and highly acidic broth, a single cup of lukewarm ramen was enough to power the Tankwagen for a little less than a month. The steam coming from the giant thermos-like structure on the Tank is all steam collected from the hot ramen. The way they managed to get it running is ingenious though. They took a man who seemed fairly hungry and put him in a room with the ramen. They left the room, and nature did the rest. The man tried to eat the ramen, noticed it was too hot, and blew on the broth, releasing a mixture of steam and carbon dioxide which collect in a chamber where the gas would normally be, and then a giant fan shoots the ramen steam out the exhaust pipe which does nothing, since the wheels are run by gears and no fuel is needed. “With a weapon of this magnitude, someday the Tankwagen will be able to conquer all of Europe, Asia, and Africa. Once they can make it submersible it may take over the America’s, and even Spitsbergen!”, claims famed German engineer Altman Krause, the owner of “The Peace Museum of Wir wünschen regieren das Universum!”. Not likely that they will rule the world, but very likely that America will make a similar machine that’s 100 stories tall, and shoots out 50 story tall Tankwagens, simply for ammunition, because America’s good like that.

Description
Weit Tankwagen!: by Brian Comforti

The Weit Tankwagen is a tank that looms over New Germany at a colossal 50 stories high. Virtually indestructible, but also virtually harmless, the construction of this tank was started at the end of World War I and finished mid World War II, this tank was never unleashed on the public, mostly due to the rushed circumstances towards the end of construction, since the German engineers were called to other duties. The unfinished tank was sent to Russia, where the Soviet Union would hide it deep in the center of Russia, where the allies wouldn’t find it. As I had mentioned, the construction was rushed, so the cannons that lined the sides of the tank were never made operational by the Nazi’s. Instead they made them into high-powered flashlights that shot out confetti, which would have been used for a German celebration if they won the war. Recently the Germans had restored the long forgotten Tankwagen, and made outposts on top of the giant searchlights where the Germans could post bombardiers to throw explosives from above to hit targets down below. Since the Tankwagen is so enormous, the bombs usually exploded halfway and didn’t do much damage, except maybe singeing a few hairs on a victim’s air from the cool to warm sparks and shrapnel that were falling from the heavens. The Tankwagen moves at a remarkable velocity for its size. Roughly 3 mph at top speeds, the Weit Tankwagen can easily trample anyone who is too damn slow to get out of the way. Due to the recent skyrocketing oil prices, the German engineers created a new energy source for the Wagen to run on. Ramen! With the high sodium contents and highly acidic broth, a single cup of lukewarm ramen was enough to power the Tankwagen for a little less than a month. The steam coming from the giant thermos-like structure on the Tank is all steam collected from the hot ramen. The way they managed to get it running is ingenious though. They took a man who seemed fairly hungry and put him in a room with the ramen. They left the room, and nature did the rest. The man tried to eat the ramen, noticed it was too hot, and blew on the broth, releasing a mixture of steam and carbon dioxide which collect in a chamber where the gas would normally be, and then a giant fan shoots the ramen steam out the exhaust pipe which does nothing, since the wheels are run by gears and no fuel is needed. “With a weapon of this magnitude, someday the Tankwagen will be able to conquer all of Europe, Asia, and Africa. Once they can make it submersible it may take over the America’s, and even Spitsbergen!”, claims famed German engineer Altman Krause, the owner of “The Peace Museum of Wir wünschen regieren das Universum!”. Not likely that they will rule the world, but very likely that America will make a similar machine that’s 100 stories tall, and shoots out 50 story tall Tankwagens, simply for ammunition, because America’s good like that.