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Published: 2016-12-27 20:15:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 3915; Favourites: 41; Downloads: 0
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They called him a hero, said that he was an example of the Empire, and lauded his actions for the good of the Sahalyian people. He had single-handedly brought down a great evil and saved the life of one of the Emperor's sons, a shining beacon of wisdom and justice that they all looked to for leadership in such troubling times. With war to the east and rebellion stirring in the Empire, Captain Lassiter was an inspiration to them all.
Or something like that. Frederic wasn't actually paying attention.
The orator had been going for nearly half an hour now as the noble lords and ladies in attendance looked politely interested, and the subject of their praise grew slowly more and more wooden in appearance. He was at least dressed for the occasion, but the man held to the belief that a dressmaker’s dummy would've looked more appropriate in the expensive hosiery he wore. He thought that same dummy would have made a far more interesting dinner companion among the nobility than him, but as it had been made increasingly clear as the evening progressed, his opinion on the subject—any subject—mattered very little.
"And now, my lords and ladies, I give you," the orator said at last. "Captain Frederic Lassiter, the savior of Prince Jovan III, the hero of Tierra Lue!"
The man in question gained his feet amidst the polite applause and vocal accolades, pointedly ignoring the approving looks from the women and men around him. He had a well-muscled figure with a face typical of Northern Sahalyian ancestry, strong features and high cheekbones, and his wheat-colored hair was kept trimmed close to his face. There was a severe scab on his chin and his right arm was in a clean white sling, but in this instance they were only reminders of his bravery. When the orator stepped aside and all eyes turned up towards him, Frederic exuded an air of authority as natural as breathing.
He exhaled calmly, blue eyes shining in anticipation.
Before the ceremony, one of the royal retainers had appeared as a sort of chaperone for the lowborn captain and he had given the airship captain a sheet of paper for precisely this moment. It was three paragraphs of beautiful penmanship, a script ready at hand if Frederic found himself at a loss for words. 'Mustn't disappoint the gentry,' the retainer had said, a smile on his face and real fear in his eyes. The captain finally understood why as he scanned the crowd briefly, catching a glimpse of the wolves sitting silently amidst the sheep.
Clearing his throat, he crumpled the beautiful script in one hand.
They expected a story from him, another tale of bravado, of how humbled he was to be in their company. They were nobles, the powerful shakers and movers of the Sahalyian Empire; it was their due.
"Aron Lummel," Frederic said suddenly. Foreheads wrinkled, and those who were seated traded glances. The captain pretended not to notice. "Bruce Longstroth, Marc Padgett, Sheila Pugh, Uriah Ward," and if his voice trembled for a moment, Frederic was the only one who noticed. "These are the names of the crew members I lost that day in Tierra Lue. My ship and this world is poorer for the loss." People shifted on their feet, and a general disquiet sifted through the gathered lords and ladies. "I'm not the hero everyone's made me out to be. The truth is, the heroes are the ones that I–"
The lamps flickered, the soft, orange glow of the fire pattern struggling to stay lit. Then, without warning, all the lights in the grand hall went out. Several people screamed and voices rose and fell in confusion as others tried to figure out what happened. An older man called out, pointing out the window towards the city, "Down at the Hub there! This whole section has gone out."
They were in the Pearl Quarter, a richer part of the city composed of nobility and business, but down the street, all the lights flickered and died, marking a path straight down and further into the hills by the river where dots of green fire gave some clue as to the skirmish taking place at the Hub. The sound of cannon fire could barely be made out, but the silence didn’t reign long as the gathered nobles traded gossip in whispers.
"Fighting this close? The rebels must be getting desperate," someone sighed.
A solemn voice remarked, "They tried to attack the Palace itself just last week."
"Yes, I heard a dozen rebels were executed on the ramparts."
"No, it was two dozen! I heard it was a score of them, at least."
"They're fighting this war of theirs on the wrong continent," a young man sneered. "If they were smart, they'd all go back across the ocean where they belong.”
"No one ever accused otherkind of being smart, Jonathan."
Laughter from more than one person broke the tension in the room.
Around the room, the guards that wore cyphers on their dominant hands, jewel-encrusted foci that were typically worn on the arm from wrist to elbow, created patterns of light along the perimeter of the room, and the loud speculation faded into quiet murmurs as the light grew. The nobles reined in their fear and their disdain alike, settling back behind their polite veneers of nobility like elaborate costumes, ready to resume their parts in an even more intricate play. A man announced that they had already sent a runner out to investigate the commotion but they expected the lights to be turned on sooner than later. Drinks would be served in the adjoining parlor while they waited, where several servants were busy bringing the obviously unused fireplaces to life. As they filtered out of the grand hall, most nobles chattered lightly among themselves: drinks by firelight, wouldn’t it be quaint?
Not one of them remarked on the fact that their guest of honor was missing, leaving only one royal retainer to wonder frantically where Frederic Lassiter had gone.
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Comments: 26
byrds-of-midnight [2017-01-26 21:51:22 +0000 UTC]
I admit I have a shorter attention span than I used to, unless something really hooks its claws into me, which is probably why I mostly read shorter works these days. At any rate, it took me no time at all to read this chapter, and even less time to get interested. I understand why you got the DD (well-deserved, congrats!), because in such a brief span of words, you managed to do all the things a successful first chapter needs to draw the reader in for another round (Chapter 2). Your writing is accessible for a wide audience, and the MC instantly inspired intrigue (what was he going to say before the lights went out? why is he missing? Where did he go?); the descriptive paragraph right before the ending sentence gave clues as the nature of this, dare I say, elite group of nobles and those who serve royalty. I especially appreciate the "elaborate costumes" metaphor, apt way to describe this type of behavior.
Well done!
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tinkertype In reply to byrds-of-midnight [2017-01-26 22:10:16 +0000 UTC]
I liked that elaborate costumes line too, so thanks for pointing it out. It's especially pleasing when people tell me that it's a great hook. I know personally that I fall over myself editing things because it just doesn't sound right, so to know that this grabs at people is amazing. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the rest!
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CharmQuark [2017-01-24 15:00:33 +0000 UTC]
Hot damn! I really love the structure of this chapter--Frederic's inner monologue at the beginning, his truncated speech in the middle and his disappearance at the end leave the reader very curious as to what he's up to. Also the opening two paragraphs do a great job of catching a potential reader's attention: the sudden perspective shift between the words of the orator and Frederic's nonchalance is a great hook.
I got no complaints--gonna go read part 2!
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tinkertype In reply to CharmQuark [2017-01-24 18:12:21 +0000 UTC]
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your kind words and for reading.
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KC3HUB [2017-01-24 03:07:43 +0000 UTC]
Came to DA to explore and expose myself to trials of digital paint and Blender 3D. Didn't know writing was even a thing here though my DA profile insists I write a "Note;" is that what this is? Technically? -I write, but privately and, as the joke goes, I never seem to finish anyth....
Your inclusion to the highlight row makes me think twice about testing writing out publicly. I never would have looked for that platform here, but now that I know, I'm intrigued. I stick to a metric I once read pointing out the first sentence must be the grabber and tone. Seems cruel but it's so often true. Yours got me. Thank you for sharing and inadvertently teaching and mostly thank you for inspiring!
I'm very keen on your pacing with familiar phrases turned just so, to jostle the reader and those one sentence paragraphs are VERY well used. Best to you! You're my first writing follow.
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tinkertype In reply to KC3HUB [2017-01-24 17:49:16 +0000 UTC]
Everything about your comment is amazing, and I am so happy and humbled to pull you into the realm DA Lit. Come over to the dark side, we have cookies aned critiques. XD Thank you so much for saying something about the one-liners! I am so comfortable using them but I know they're not strictly correct and not everyone appreciates them. And I have gotten the same reaction before, asked why I don't move my things to a website that caters to writers, but... DA is my home. Has been for ten years, and I've met the most intriguing, interesting, and beautiful people on this website. I hope you like it here. C:
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CharmQuark In reply to tinkertype [2017-01-24 21:22:01 +0000 UTC]
Butting in to express my support for the one-sentence paragraphs. I agree with KC3HUB, they are well-used and effective!
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tinkertype In reply to CharmQuark [2017-01-24 21:51:15 +0000 UTC]
Gonna have to make a flag for all the support one-sentence paragraphs are getting. I shall wear it loud and proud!! Thank you so much for "butting in". C:
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Shadowkey392 [2017-01-24 01:36:10 +0000 UTC]
Not bad. Will have to keep an eye on this, I think.
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tinkertype In reply to Shadowkey392 [2017-01-24 01:58:42 +0000 UTC]
Glad we could catch your interest. Thanks for reading.
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LirelTamora [2017-01-23 22:36:23 +0000 UTC]
Yes this is the part i liked keep it in the book it could be used as the beginning or later in the story, although i don't know about that wheat colored hair XD
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LirelTamora In reply to LirelTamora [2017-01-23 22:40:34 +0000 UTC]
Lol of course i have to go check out ur stuff once i figure out how to work thing again
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tinkertype In reply to LirelTamora [2017-01-23 22:38:14 +0000 UTC]
You and your-- I LIKE "WHEAT COLORED HAIR" OKAY. Also, I can't believe you logged on after three years just for me. Thanks, sweetheart!
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MissAddledMiss [2017-01-23 13:54:07 +0000 UTC]
This is a wonderfully paced piece. I really like the initial steps you took in creating this world by describing the upper echelons of this society while also hinting strongly at the trouble brewing beneath. The way you showed some of the sci-fi mechanics of this world was also pretty neat.
And then there's the character Frederic. It was interesting to see some of his insight about all this decorum and pageantry for something he feels so conflicted over. When he took the stage the reader could feel that shift in the atmosphere. The tension smoldering in the air. It's gotten me curious about his particular character arc.
All in all, this is an excellent intro and truly deserving of the DD. I'll definitely be reading more.
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tinkertype In reply to MissAddledMiss [2017-01-23 22:12:15 +0000 UTC]
This is the kind of comment that writers (probably all artists) dream of receiving. Thank you so much for your kind words, for your insight, and for reading this at all. I am humbled and happy.
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MissAddledMiss In reply to tinkertype [2017-01-25 00:58:25 +0000 UTC]
I know right!
It's no problem at all. I'm just happy to help. I know that I personally appreciate well thought out comments so I'm always willing to provide whenever I think it could be helpful.
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tinkertype In reply to LiliWrites [2017-01-23 22:05:43 +0000 UTC]
THANK YOU FOR SUGGESTING IT~
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tinkertype In reply to signedwithME [2017-01-20 21:33:46 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! Glad you're enjoying it.
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