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Published: 2007-10-28 03:11:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 315; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 2
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CoraBook One
Part 1
She couldn't scream. Her mouth was open, but no sound came out. She was pinned flat in the alley, bent at the knees and feet dangling, paralyzed by the icy terror that pulsed from her heart and through her veins. She closed her eyes to focus more on her throat, forcing the great breath out of her lungs, scraping and rasping over her vocal cords. She heard it, piercing and shrill through her mind, and felt it as a whisper over her ears. She squeezed her eyes and cold tears slid down to her ears.
He held her flat and watched over his shoulder. He felt her preparing for a scream and braced for it, though none came. There was a hoarse wheezing and silence; it seemed that luck was in his favor. He waited until there was no sign of passersby and watched her again. Her eyes were closed and he saw the tears in the corners of her eyes. "Shhhh," he whispered. She felt his weight shift and choked on a sob; the jacket between them smelled faintly of spices. He reached for her left hand and slowly, gently pulled it toward his mouth. She felt his breath warm on her fingers and squirmed and writhed to escaped. His teeth scraped across her fourth finger, between the first two knuckles, just below her wedding band. The pressure increased and she knew he'd broken the skin. She stopped fighting, stopped trying to scream and her body went limp. She'd been infected, and there would be no one to save her, tonight. When he felt her give up he relaxed and repeated the act on her index finger. He then stood and watched the mouth of the alley. “Come with me,” he murmured but she did not move. She'd given up. He took the jacket and tucked it under his arm, then took her hands and pulled her up. She would not look at him, and he draped the jacket over her shoulders. “Come with me,” he said again. He held her left hand firmly in his right and led her out of the alley and through the shadows of the street.
She had no choice but to follow; she'd been infected. Refusing him would leave her utterly alone, an outcast to her family and her kind. The thought formed fresh tears that blinded her and dampened her cheeks. She didn't care. She didn't care to see where they were going because it did not matter. She was infected and she cried hopeless tears. She snapped out of her blind following when she realized they were nearing a house, and picking up pace. And she was tired. They'd walked most of the night, by the feel of it, and she was ready for a rest. He felt her dragging and gripped her hand tightly, for the first time. There was determination smeared across his face, if she'd looked at it. He mistook her weary walking for resistance and did his best to keep her going. This was the most dangerous part. They walked quickly through the entrance and twisted through a maze of doors and hallways and doors. She was confused but still followed noiselessly as they crossed an empty room and went through one last door. She was surprised to see another alley, this one with a floor of hard-packed black dirt and bright green moss that grew in the corners and along the side of the brick of the buildings. He pulled her sharply to the right and a startled noise escaped from her throat; he tucked her arm under his elbow as they dashed across the alley. She looked over her shoulder and caught a brief glimpse the alley, where it split to the left. It looked empty, except for the single open doorway. It was a matter of seconds before they were in another building and the door was slamming shut behind them, and she faced forward. Down a hallway, through another door and there was a staircase. "Up," he said. At the top of the first landing, where the stair curved to the left, was a hole hardly large enough for a person to shimmy through. He stopped just on the other side of the hole and pointed. "Go in."
She balked. She stared open-mouthed at the hole and was forming a protest when she heard a sound behind them and his grip became so firm it was nearly painful. "Go!" he barked at her and she slid her feet through the hole, using his hand for leverage. She rolled through on the other side and hid herself in a corner, and out of his way. It was a good thing, too, because his feet followed closely behind her head. He also rolled and was on his feet, then squatted between her and the hole. When he was satisfied they weren't being pursued he stood back up and watched her. Satisfied that she was unharmed, he plopped heavily on a worn, red sofa that sat along the wall. There was a heavyset man in a white shirt already seated there, his face illuminated in the bluish glow of a laptop.
"Made it back then?" His hair was dark and cut close and the stubble of a beard stretched across his face.
"Aye," he said and let his head fall back. His eyes closed for a moment and he was again on his feet. He removed his coat and scarf and draped them across the arm of the sofa. She was startled to see silver-red wings hanging from between his shoulders. The left wing had a blue streak through it. Seeing the wings made her remember her state, her infection and new isolation. He turned and went to her, to reach for her jacket. She shrugged away from him while the quiet tears fell from her eyes and she hid her face. He screwed up his mouth and went back to the sofa and plopped heavily on it once more.
"A crier, then?" the heavy man asked without looking up.
"Aye," he sighed, and closed his eyes.
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Comments: 4
randomvomit [2008-02-29 02:19:19 +0000 UTC]
So, you already know how I feel about the POV thing...that it bothers me sometimes.
I'm just going to bullet this.
-When I read it, I associated it with a futuristic New York kind of. I didn't really have a problem with the setting. I thought the lack of real...specific, I guess, description of it added to the mystery. It wasn't in an annoying, "God, why can't she just explain this crap?" kind of way though. I liked it. I just kind of built in my own setting. It didn't seem dream world to me.
-I've been pretty lazy in my reading of the story in that I've just been assuming that I'll find out more about Cora and who she is and what's going on in this new world of hers as she figures it out. That's one of the things I like about the story.
-I kind of understand the character comment---but I almost feel like Liese and Marilyn build off of each other. I do feel like each character has a different personality. I think that as you get to know your characters their personalities will come out more anyway.
-I'm not certain about Aress right now either. Simply because I don't know what his intentions are, if that makes sense. So, in that way...it's merely because the story is incomplete. Though maybe picking a more stable personality for him and running with it wouldn't be a bad thing. I'm not sure.
And I need to do more reading for school now Love ya girl.
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Freyad-Dryden In reply to randomvomit [2008-03-04 15:34:07 +0000 UTC]
By POV character, I mean the character that gets the thought-shots. When telling a story, even if you're going for the omniscient third-person narrator, it's best to select a single character as the POV character for each "scene." This allows you to controle information much better, as well as making it easier for the audience to follow. With an OTP narrator, the POV character can change as is needed to suit the story, but there needs to be adequate pacing and transition between changes so the audience does not loose track of who's thinking what.
Personally, I think Aress's intentions are pretty clear right now (unless there's an ironic twist in store for us), it's his motives that are obscure. That's okay, depending on how the author intends to portray the character, I was simply making a suggestion based on my take of the character.
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Freyad-Dryden [2008-02-28 16:49:02 +0000 UTC]
Okay, sorry for taking so long to get back to you on this.
Anyway, it's interesting, has a decent setup and a lot of potential. I have a few suggestions.
First, you need to work on the setting some. The way you go about the story, I feel like it takes place in the middle of a cloud of fog and anything beyond that simply doesn't exist. Considering it's based off a dream, that may be the case. Anyway, is this set in the "real world" with strange elements underlying it, or is it it's own world? Expand and build on the setting some more.
Second, you need more buildup. As an reader, I'm not sure how to react to the world because I don't know what normal is. Is it strange that shapeshifters go around infecting people, or is that something that people know all about and are used to? If you want to start it out with the infection, that can work, but in all those moments of sleep, perhaps there should be flashbacks to her earlier life, something to establish just what a baseline for our reactions.
Third, develop the characters further. Marc was the only character who really stood out in my mind as his own character. The other characters almost all seemed like variations on the same idea. Consider the use of character objects (such as someone always holding a glass of wine, smoking a cigarrette, or carrying a dog) or personality quirks to make them more distinctive.
Also, I'm not entirely certain of how you are trying to portray Aress. I get the sense that you want him to be creepy, but he just comes off as a jackass. This is largely because you use the word smirk all the time, which has a the undertone of being 1) condescending and 2) really dumb. If you want to make him creepy, make him stand out more through his voice and his eyes. Give his tone a note of delight and pride, while drawing attention to his eyes, which might gleam, or some such. And if you want to use an adjective other than smile, sneer has a much more sinister context and grin would work just as well.
Finally, you keep shifting the POV character without any transition. One moment, it's from Cora's perspective, the next it's Bash, and then it suddenly goes back. The result is that I have a hard time following who's doing and thinking what.
I see no realy problems with the plot itself. The characters actions and the direction of the story seem to follow a nice, logical path, though pacing is a bit awkward and it's a little difficult to keep track of the flow of time.
If you have any questions about my coments, I'm always here. Keep up the good work.
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