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TwistedTranquility — Decorations by-nc-nd [NSFW]
Published: 2010-10-30 03:22:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 440; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 1
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Description Halloween a day like no other. It just so happens that Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love the atmosphere, and the creepiness of the holiday.  But sadly my house wasn't one of the houses that got many visitors. It wasn't the fact that I didn't have enough decorations, or anything like that. It had nothing to do with that…It was Mr. Rogers….Mr. Rogers always attracted the most visitors to his place. His decorations were always the best on the block, and it just so happens that I lived across the street from him. That was the reason why I didn't get much vistors at my house. I remember last year that when he had his haunted house. It was such a awesome site to see from the outside, considering I was trying to give out candy, I didn't bother to go in. I could hear the kids and even some adult's scream from the inside. It brought a smile to my face, to hear their screams, knowing that that was the spirit of the holiday.

The day before Halloween while everyone is at work or at school; I saw Mr. Rogers putting out his Halloween decorations. I quickly ran over to his house to talk to him, "So what's the theme this year?" I asked.
"The dead, of course just as it is every year."
    
I raised one eyebrow, as I remembered that Mr. Rogers didn't have much of a sense of humor. I hardly even spoke to the guy, and it seemed like the only time he ever came outside was this time of year. Even in the summer time he would have someone come, and cut his grass, he wouldn't even come outside when he paid the guy. The guy would come inside to get his money. Rumor has it that Mr. Rogers even has a stay at home job, just like myself. Being a writer isn't easy, with all the deadlines, and such, but I manage. Mr. Rogers knew that I was a writer; in fact everyone in town knew I was, but they never discussed it with me.

"So your not doing anything new this year?" I asked.
"Are you kidding? Why would I this is what the people want.  And, what the people want the people get."
The tone in his voice scared me a little so I stepped back away from his fence a little bit.
"Do you need any help with this?" I asked him, as he hung one of the decorations up in the tree. As he hung the gutted decoration up in the tree, the fake blood oozed out from the wounds of the decoration, even the hook that Mr. Rogers put through the decorations head.
"No, thanks…I prefer to do my work…Alone."
"Okay, well-"
"Tim! I appreciate you trying to help, but all your doing is bugging the hell out of me. So why don't you go back inside, and write, or something."

I slowly walked away from Mr. Rogers fence, wondering why he had to be such a jerk sometimes. I don't know if it was the time of the year, or if he just didn't like me in general, but whatever the reason was he kept it to himself.  

Whatever the reason was I tried to not let it bug me. Instead of even trying to give out candy this year, I decided to do some late night writing. I turned off my porch light, opened up a bottle of Yuengling Lager beer, and let my fingers flow quickly on the keyboard. A hour into writing I had to turn some music on; the sound of children and adults screaming just ticked me off this year. I'm pretty sure it was due to the fact to what Mr. Rogers said to me. But before I could start up my music site, that I listen to music on, someone had rang the door bell.

I mumbled a curse word under my breath, as I left my domain of my office, and approaching my front door. I opened up the door saying," Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not giving out candy this year. Go over to Mr. Rogers I'm sure he'll give you a good scare, and some ca-" Before I was able to finish my sentence I was squirted in the face with fake blood, by my friends Robby.
"Hey, man why don't you come over to Mr. Rogers, I picked up this cool bleeding heart at his place. Haha."
"Shut, up man. I don't want to hear, speak, or even see Mr. Rogers right now." I said, pulling him into my house by his shirt, slamming my door behind him.
"Dude, what the hell is your problem?"
"Well, it was Mr. Rogers, but it's slowly becoming you if you keep talking about him. Mr. Rogers is a dick, man, that's all there is to it."
"Ah, I see…I know this is the right time to ask, but can I crash at your place?"
"Whatever, man. I really don't care, just as long as you don't interrupt my writing."  I said, grabbing a towel from my kitchen, whipping the fake blood off my face, which Robby squirted on me with his fake heart prop he got at Mr. Rogers.

As time passed the louder my Death Metal music got, as I wrote vigorously on my keyboard, and the more alcohol I consumed. I decided seems how it was making me tired the third bottle was my last bottle. After writing for two hours I decided I would take a break to grab something to eat. I took my headphones off my head, standing up for a good stretch, out of my computer chair. I looked over my shoulder to notice that Robby had fallen asleep on the couch. Before I made my way into the kitchen I stopped to notice that the screams from Mr. Rogers place had stopped. I walked over to blind in my computer room to notice that all his lights were off.
That's odd. I thought to myself, it's not even midnight yet. He usually keeps his place open late

Decided to see what was up I stepped out on my porch to snoop a little bit. Sure enough all the visitors had stopped coming to his house too. Now the only person outside was Mr. Rogers…He was taking down his props for some unknown reason. I never noticed him doing it any years before, but then again I wasn't a published Author last year, and I wasn't up this late last year for Halloween, so maybe he did. Either way I decided I would get some dirt on Mr. Rogers, so I decided I would sit on the dark side of my porch, to snoop a little bit more. Luckily I wore black half a lot so I blended in enough to where Mr. Rogers didn't see that I was on my porch.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he was down to his last prop to take down. I wait until he made his way inside to sneak over to his yard. I creeped my way over to one of his house windows to watch why he took down the props.  Something that struck as rather odd was that the prop he was dragging with him was leaving a blood trail on his carpet.

Why would he let the fake blood get on his floor, that stuff has to be a pain to clean up. I thought to myself, but as he kept moving with his prop, through his house I kept moving window from window, watching him every step of the way.

Another thing I thought was weird was that when he got the basement stairs he still didn't even bother to pick up the prop. The bloods from the prop still splattered everywhere as he dragged it down the stairs. I bent down to the window watching him through his basement window.
"What are you up to Mr. Rogers." I asked myself, as he finally picked the prop up on his shoulder, opening up a cooler in his basement…That's when it hit me. That's when I quickly found out how his props became so real. My eyes widen with shock, as I quickly stud up, hitting my head on the edge of the house, causing me to fling my arms up, letting one of my elbows to hit the window.

"Shit!" I muttered, quickly running back over to my house, quickly shutting and locking the door to my house.
"This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this is some shit like I write for my novels. I'm still asleep, that's right. Yeah, that's it I some how fell asleep while writing. The booze! Yes, that had to have been what it was, all of the booze I had."  

Robby let out a tired, stretch setting up on the couch," Dude, what's all the commotion about?" He asked.
"Robby I need you to tell me I'm asleep at my computer! Tell me a fell asleep at the keyboard."
Robby sat up slowly walking over to me," What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you freaking out so much?"
"I need you to get my cell phone and call the cops right now."

Before anyone could do anything there was a knock on the door. I looked through the door hole, hoping it wasn't Mr. Rogers, but sure enough it was. Robby looked through the curtains, seeing Mr. Rogers.
"Hey, it's Mr. Rogers." He said running over to the door, but I put my hand out to stop him," Robby listen to me Mr. Rogers isn't what he seems." I whisper to Robby, so that Mr. Rogers didn't hear me. Mr. Rogers knocked on the door louder this time.
"Dude what the hell is wrong with you? Open the door, man see what he wants."
"Don't open that door we could be his next prop if you do!"
"Do you mind explaining yourself?"
"Look I really can't-"  I was interrupted by a loud knock at the door.
"Tim, I can hear you talking in there open up the door. I heard a loud thumping noise outside of my house, and I saw that your lights were on, are you okay in there?!" Mr. Rogers asked.

I started to walk away from the door, but before I could a sharp object came through the door stabbing me in the leg. I quickly fell to the floor.
"What the hell!" Robby yell.
"That's what  I told you! Mr. Rogers is a murder all of those decorations he was putting out were actually people! Now call the cops!"
"Shit!" Robby yelled, running over to the couch to grab his cell phone to dial 911. At the same time Mr. Rogers busted out one of my windows, coming through the window.
"So, who's going to be my next prop?" He asked, moving over toward Robby, who was on the phone with 911. I quickly pulled the knife out of my leg that Mr. Rogers stabbed me with, throwing it at him, hitting him in the shoulder.
"Your sick Halloween haunted house, and your ' Oh So Real Props' end tonight!" I yelled, using the wall to help me get back up to my feet.  

Mr. Rogers pulled the knife out of shoulder, and walked slowly over to Robby.
"You! I'll start with you! I'll cut out your organs right here and then place your heart in a candy basket for props!"
"Like hell you will!" I yelled tackling Mr. Rogers to the ground punching him in the face, as Robby just stood there looking stupid.
"Don't just stand get something to tie him up! In the kitchen get the rope in the mess drawer. "

Robby ran into the kitchen, opening up the kitchen drawer, and scattered through the things in it to find some rope. I kept Mr. Rogers busy, by trading punches with him back and forth on the floor. After what seemed like forever Robby finally found the Robby. I got Mr. Rogers in the full nelson hold, as Robby wrapped him up in the rope.

Fifteen minutes later the cops showed up and we explained the whole thing to them.
"Well, Mr. Rogers what do you have to say for yourself?" One of the cops asked as they lead him out of the house.
"It's what the people wanted! And, what they wanted they got!"
"Tell that to the judge." The cop said taking him outside.

The sad thing is that Mr. Rogers was right. For years he had gotten away with killing people, and hanging them up outside as props. It was what the people wanted, and it kept them entertained for years, and it just so happens that I was the one to put an end to the neighborhoods amusement.
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Comments: 12

Cei-Ellem [2010-10-31 18:01:41 +0000 UTC]

Overall

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact


There are multiple grammar mistakes throughout, especially with punctuation. As soon as it began talking about the decorations, I could spot the "twist" from a mile away. This sort of horror story has been overdone to death and is incredibly cliche. Likewise, you have some fridge logic: how coherent can he be if he is nearly drunk? A corpse begins to have an awful stench after a while; why didn't he notice sooner? For that matter, fake blood is distinctly different from real blood and stains in a different manner. There is no conceivable, logical way a serial killer could get away with something like this for any length of time.

Outside of content and a few grammar and spelling issues (stood, not stud), your writing is alright. It needs a lot of work, but it isn't the worst I've seen and is at least legible. Keep practicing.

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Cei-Ellem [2010-11-18 04:08:45 +0000 UTC]

Not sure you noticed, but I did send you a critique. Just wanted to let you know in case there was some bug and it didn't go through. Good luck with your writing ^_^

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TwistedTranquility In reply to Cei-Ellem [2010-11-18 05:30:09 +0000 UTC]

Pretty sure I got it...

Your tone to me sounded a little harsh, so I thought I would be nice and just leave it alone, by skipping it. I did notice that it still shows up on your page. So I guess it really doesn't matter. Maybe it was just me, but I didn't really feel like it was really a critique. The only thing you really did was point out that my writing had a lot of grammar mistake. You could have pointed them out in the story to me. A writer needs to know where these things are, so we can go back, and fix where they are at. But you decided not to do that. Don't get me wrong if you're going to critique something I would point these things out. I can understand not liking ones story, and I can also take harsh critiques, but when I saw that you mentioned," A lot of Punctuation mistakes as well," without pointing them out once again; I had a little trouble believing something neither I or 91 people, but yourself have seen. I say again you really should post these things in the critique.

I myself don't see how the main character couldn't be coherent just from drinking three beers. Pretty sure if you drink them slowly you don't get drunk, but then again it takes a lot to get me drunk, so I really wouldn't know. I'm flattered that you take the time to go through, and read my work, I really am, but I found it a little hard to believe with what you said about the punctuation errors, considering English professors have read my work, and haven't had any problems with it, and that I'm close to getting published. Until my car broke down, and I had to get a car loan, I was going to sign up for a company, who was going to help me work with my writing, to help me get published. But to get in you had to take a writing test. I passed the test hands down, but I can't do it right now so it'll have to wait. I just found that a little odd.

I would also like for you to point out to me where you have seen this done before? I would really like to know. It may have been done before in other countries, or other Languages, but I can't seem to think of where it has been done before. As for the smell if you would read closely I covered that he took down the decorations to put them in the freezer, almost every night. However, you're right on one aspect a serial killer couldn't get away with this for so long. I 100% agree with you there. But that's where the play of,"Fiction," comes into play. After all, I am a Horror/Prose/Fiction writer. Also, for the fake blood aspect; I know that real blood stains in a different way. If you look back in the store it mentions," The Blood From The Prop," You have to remember it's from the main character point of view, so there for he still thinks its a prop, because he doesn't know that its a real human, until he puts it in the cooler.

Also, the last thing that came off to me as harsh, and really decided to me that I wasn't going to mark anything for it, was when you ended it with," Your writing isn't the worst I've seen, but at least it's allegeable." Maybe it was just the way I read it, but the tone to me once again sounded harsh, and just reminded me of saying something like," Well, it's not the worst I've seen, but it's still pretty shitty." Or something like that. But once again, this could just be the way I read it.

But once again, when you leave advise a.k.a. a critique, please back it up with something, and point the things out. Because its over the internet I couldn't tell if you were being overly harsh, or not, it could have just been me. I do thank you for your input, and taking the time to read my story though.

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Cei-Ellem In reply to TwistedTranquility [2010-11-18 06:43:57 +0000 UTC]

First, I would like to let it be known that I have my degree in English. Harsh critique comes with the territory, and I would expect the same sort of feedback from my peers. Being an online medium, I cannot feasibly give you a full grammar correction without printing the document, hand-editing, rescanning and sending the edited copy: there were too many mistakes to point them all out in a text box. This is what editors are for. Additionally, what ninety-one people saw no mistakes? If you're going by pageviews, who's to say that these people didn't see mistakes and simply chose not to comment on them?

That writing test sounds a little suspicious to me, not because you passed it, but because you had to take it in the first place. I'm only familiar with a few publishing outlets, but what I have done hasn't required any up-front expenses from me. It sounds a little off to me, but I don't have the information you do on the matter. I advise caution, or self-publishing via Lulu.com (it gives you full control over your work).

This story is a slightly more sinister twist on a true incident, as detailed here, on Snopes. It uses at least two tropes (not that this is bad, mind you), but for reference they are here and here . Fiction, although it's, well, fictitious, still needs to be realistic. The idea is to create a suspension of disbelief. Corpses rot. Stored frozen or not, they would have to be thawed for display, and would definitely stink then. Remember: fiction has to be paradoxically more real than reality, otherwise it's completely unbelievable.

What I had written was that it was at least legible, meaning that I could easily read it and there weren't rampant spelling errors. The punctuation needed a lot of work, yes, but I could still figure out what you were trying to write. That was a compliment to your work; I've read pieces in txt, where the author had no idea why I couldn't understand the words on the page.

You need to be less defensive of your work. If you ask for critique, you need to be willing to take it. Writing is an art, and you have to take the good and the bad. Knowing the areas you need improvement in is the only way to improve. If you think I was harsh, wait til you get a paid editor; they will tear your work to shreds (and before you get defensive on that, know that I mean it's their job to do so, not that your story in particular will be torn apart). If things are unclear, ask, don't ignore. Not liking a harsh critique doesn't mean it wasn't accurate.

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TwistedTranquility In reply to Cei-Ellem [2010-11-19 02:50:16 +0000 UTC]

It's like I said though, it could have been the way I was reading it too. You can't really tell what people are like over the internet, or how their tone is.

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Cei-Ellem In reply to TwistedTranquility [2010-11-19 04:25:46 +0000 UTC]

Arguably so, but though my critique was harsh, I intended it to be helpful. It's easy to take negative feedback as automatically antagonistic, but I assure you it was all in the interest of helping you improve your writing. I'm sure there's a way to tweak your story to be less predictable (that was my biggest issue with it, to be honest), such as inverting the scenario (fake props, but the protagonist believing they are real). This would make the reveal that the man is, in fact, a serial killer more of a surprise, giving the hero a nice "I told you so!" moment when he is caught. Just my musings, though.

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ArchDevol [2010-10-30 21:43:41 +0000 UTC]

Wow. You are becoming very good now. As the tone of the story changes, i started to read faster and faster! i spotted one error though. "After what seemed like forever Robby finally found the Robby" I think the second robby was supposed to be rope right?

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TwistedTranquility In reply to ArchDevol [2010-10-31 04:36:19 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, it was I will be sure to go back, and fix that. Thanks for the huge compliment. I too have noticed a lot of changing in my writing. I really think becoming a published writer is right around the corner for me. Especially, with this new company I'm working with that I got into," Breaking Into Print." They are working with my writing to help me adapt to the writing markets way. After the 12 month course has finished I get two free professional manuscripts of my choice, to a publisher, and 12 credits toward college. THank you for the compliment it means a lot to hear from my fans that I have improved a lot.

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ArchDevol In reply to TwistedTranquility [2010-10-31 20:11:32 +0000 UTC]

your welcome. And Im glad that your future in writing is looking very good.

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sandra0893 [2010-10-30 08:19:42 +0000 UTC]

Brilliant

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TwistedTranquility In reply to sandra0893 [2010-10-30 15:24:39 +0000 UTC]

Thanks, and thanks for the fav.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

sandra0893 In reply to TwistedTranquility [2010-10-30 16:39:11 +0000 UTC]


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