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UnratedTech β Crash Course-Prologue
by-nc-nd
Published: 2008-06-05 03:00:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 322; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 9
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Description
The planet came into focus on the holo-screen, and the automated steward informed the two figures sitting in the cockpit of their impending arrival. The two men nodded at each other knowingly, having already braced themselves for the horrors that awaited them once they landed. Each one was a war-hardened champion of countless brushes with death, and as such, the dread which would break lesser men never entered their psyche.They were mercenaries, and both enjoyed the legendary status their exploits had wrought, as well as the astronomical pay their services commanded. As they closed in on their latest payday, both men knew that retirement was on the horizon. Killing, as exhilarating as it could be, was a tiring business. Though both men benefited from the slo-aging augmentations they purchased decades ago, their experiences had been wearing on them for some time.
They had amassed a wealth that would have allowed them to live comfortably with their respective families some time ago, and yet their blood lust had yet to be sated....until their most recent mission. Though they were both savages in the midst of a battle, the horrors that they experienced on Xao were enough to make them contemplate leaving it all behind for the first time.
They agreed on the return trip that their next mission would be their last. As they settled in for the final leg of the journey, both felt at ease knowing that their long neglected families would finally get the attention they rightfully deserved. As they daydreamed about the serenity the future would bring, the unnerving screech of the ship alarm system brought them out of their daze. According to the computer, theΒ Β engines of the ship had suddenly died out, and the hovershots were the only thing keeping the ship from free falling into the dark abyss of space.
As they violently veered off course, another planet appeared on the screen, one the ship's artificial intelligence had apparently never heard of. As they shot into the darkness towards their new destination, both men scrambled into the protective Stasis Clouds stationed near the escape pods. The last thing they could remember before the calming introduction of the stasis sleep was the dense foliage shown on the holo-screen as they prepared to crash....
Comments: 20
This is actually very well written.
I think since the length is so short that maybe you should make this one a prologue or something instead of the first chapter.
This would do great as a prologue.
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hey thanks alot, i was thinking of doing that exact thing....i guess i wasn't thinking in terms of actual novel chapter length, i figured something that long would bore the hell out of most folks trying to read it. But thanks again for the kind words!
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I really liked it personally...
The high tension and rapid succession of your writing made it fun to read. It felt like the end of a first chapter and the amount of details you gave out were sci-fi at it's height.
An excellent high speed piece, not meant for the faint of heart or the mediocre writers and readers
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thanks alot for the praise man, i still have several improvements im going to make the next time i put something on there, ill definitely slow the pace up a bit though, the story is going to get pretty meaty in the future.
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Cool. I'm a fantasy writer myself. I want to write for Forgotten Realms!
I can really respect sci-fi writers though. I couldn't write stuff like that. Good job!
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Advanced critique, I can do that...
Like you said, it's only chapter one, and to forgive it's length, so I won't point out how short it is for a chapter. I don't know how long the entire piece is going to be, so I'm going to go ahead and assume that the full story is of considerable length, in the very least a novella. So, putting that down, I would say that you introduced the characters too quickly. If it was a short(er) story, that would be fine. But as it's (I'm assuming) longer, it's far too rapidly to talk about who they are in general. Some of those details, such as the anti-aging augmentation, could be introduced later on in the story, rather than at the get go. I would say that what you would want to introduce basically who they are, such as that they're well-payed mercenaries (and implying that it's because they're damn good at their job), they're about to retire because of their pay, and they're anxious to get home to their families and stop fighting on Xao. All the other details can be introduced as the story goes on.
And the next thing I would talk about would be paragraph breaks, but there's obviously no good place for a break. Drats.
Okay, next thing. What do the hovershots do? Do they keep the ship on course, albeit at a lower speed? Or do they push the ship in the opposite direction to slow it down? Remember, an object in motion stays in motion, so even if the engines died, the ship would remain on course as always. If it's immediately affected by the gravity of the planet, then it probably would have already been on the screen, not just noticed. And an explanation of what Stasis Clouds are would be helpful, but you might be describing what exactly they are in the next chapter.
The style? Very good. I like it. I really like the word choice (and I really like the "slow-aging augmentation" phrasing for some reason). It's not Hemingway-bare, nor is it loaded down with descriptive flowery adjectives, and the word choice is very good. There weren't any glaring grammar problems that I could see, the sentences worked together and flowed nicely, and I could understand what was going on. I haven't read much science fiction-esque stuff so I can't really compare what I've read so far, but I like it. I'm curious to see what happens.
And, of course, all of this is my own personal opinion. Keep on writing!
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Ha. You're the editor every writer wants or should want. Kudos, in that regard.
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Ha, thanks! Though some writers (aka, my friends) get me whether they want me or not. Lucky them.
And your signature has got to be one of my favorite xx% sigs that I've ever seen.
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haha. It's one of my deviations. Thanks to you! " xx% " ? ( spaces to avoid emoticons ( it's a habit )
To be honest, your signature is pretty awesome as well.
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"X" is the math term for random variable (3+x=16, etc etc). I use it out of habit, really. So, really, by xx% I'm referring to all those percentage sigs (like "92% of teens have tried marijuana; if you're one of the 8% put this in your sig") that I grossly dislike because they're so obviously inaccurate. But yours is funny (and more likely to be true as well).
Hehe, thanks.
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That's why I wrote it, most directly. To counter those, as they annoy me greatly. I used to be a math major, ha. Do I really sound stupid? Oh well.
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wow, thanks alot. that was an excellent critique/breakdown. I actually was just writing it all in one sitting, and i was a bit worried about leaving things too vague....and at the same time not cluttering too much stuff in one sitting, i didn't want to lose anyone. Maybe i will rename this a sample of chapter one, because now that i re read it, i see plenty of things i can add and change....the lack of any dialogue is something i will also have to revisit, because for the introduction of the story i wanted to leave it out. Anyway, thanks again for the great critiquing, and i hope for you to do it throughout this whole crazy process. I guess i need to check out some other lit posts on here and see the length they had, because that played a part also. anyway, thanks again! Hope to hear from you again soon on this!
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I don't, but both of us should:
I don't know if there is a literary device at work (my English education is.. rudimentary; a good teacher isn't necessarily a good teacher of English), but "slo-aging" looks wrong. Slow? Just something.
That person above covered everything I'd like to cover, to be honest. Remember, you're on my watch list. I'll be looking out for your work. Though.. it happens slowly. I have a plethora of.. prolific writers. Dots used to deny alliteration, though that failed didn't it.
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thanks, and yea i meant it to be like that (slo) but i am going to revamp the whole first chapter and add some things definitely. i typed that all out in one 45 minute sitting or so, never really sitting down and structuring anything....so when i do that and come back, i will definitely add some of the suggestions being made, though i am now leaning towards making this a comic instead of an actual novel
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Aww. Well, at any rate, hope it turns out well! ha. Who will draw it? You? I don't remember if I saw any visual art on your page. Or a script comic? Those are cool too.
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i havent decided if i will do it, but im seriously considering going that route. well i would hope i could find some passionate artist on DA to work on it with me, maybe it could become something one day. But if that isn't an option, ill likely transform it into a screenplay or something. but for now im just gonna write it similar to the way i have until i figure out which route i want to take.
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I'd do it, if you wanted. I don't work much with colors, but I can.
[link]
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[link] ( on this one, the distorted figure and proportions are intentional )
If you're interested, though.. it's really because I want something to do. I don't really do much.
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Let's do it bro. Im definitely interested....lets just collab on the first chapter and see how it looks, and if it gets positive response and you feel up to it we can continue and see where it takes us.
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That sounds good. I don't really know how you want it expressed, so send me some details.
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You're welcome! I really like your style; I'm looking forward to reading the rest of it.
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