shatteredsanity [2005-02-16 21:28:04 +0000 UTC]

I love this, i can see why it took a while. I love your choice of words. I'm off to rummage round your gallery now.

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xZarielx [2004-12-31 20:35:11 +0000 UTC]

absolutely amazing!!! a wonderful colaberation of poetry...you guys write very well together!!! well done...i have a new fav!

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Aladdin-Sane [2004-12-27 17:48:15 +0000 UTC]

I dislike that each stanza is a sentence in itself. It seems to limit the flow of the narrative by cutting each event off from the others while preventing a continuity of understanding. That, and a lot of them just don't make easy sense, for example:

Having stirred the opening for existence
perhaps too early to shout the name of Man.

It stands on its own as in independent sentence, but there's no subject and no connexion to the others. Thus, all you're ever able to get - and would get, if not for *jahg 's explanation - is a vague sense of what's happened. I'm actually quite astounded that you didn't always understand your own collaboration until he explained it to you - I think that's the definitive proof that this is just too abstract.

Still, having read *jahg 's explanation, there is a lot to be gained here. It's a beautiful idea and - with an impression of what you're accomplishing from the beginning - could allow a lot of separate interpretations and appreciations. Thus, I'd include maybe a short explanation of the very basic idea of the poem in the Artist's Comments, just to help people. Maybe.

With reference to the language, it's very epic but also quite detailed - you're able to relate both to the Gods and the more terrestrial elements in equal measure, to the point of seeing the flaws in deities themselves. That, in particular, is a great idea. However, as already stated, you can never fully grasp what's happening because of the loose style of narrative.

Overall then, this is perhaps too convoluted to be worthy of a favourite, but the language and ideas behind it are excellent. Congrats to you and *jahg

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DragonSneeze [2004-12-26 22:08:21 +0000 UTC]

Mmm yes... Quite deep...

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ThatGuyOnTheStreet [2004-12-23 21:30:11 +0000 UTC]

Ohhh, humanity.

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Spicelives [2004-12-23 16:00:02 +0000 UTC]

It's a really beautiful poem. The picture is great too.

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MDragonfly [2004-12-23 14:27:17 +0000 UTC]

First...comment on your pre-comment...to me there is a big difference between spirituality and religion. It seems to me that you are spiritual but it is the religions that turn your off....

As for your piece...I agree with Prose....The undercurrent rumble, and electric hum that keeps flowing underneath, no matter what is happening on the surface.....the swirling of steam and energy that continues and continues.....Very Nice Work!!

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ProsePetals [2004-12-23 13:16:50 +0000 UTC]

This is, simply put, amazing. Wonderful work

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Starfuck9 [2004-12-23 07:54:18 +0000 UTC]

When I first read this, I liked it, though I couldn't exactly figure out the whole meaning. After reading jahg's post, though, I've grown to like it more and more. Great work, you two.

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jahg [2004-12-23 06:49:04 +0000 UTC]

Well, you already know my thoughts on this piece of course, but here they are in their entirety now the piece is complete.

---

Archangels peer from dubious heights
humanity still slick from birth.

A godly viewpoint concerning the birth of Mankind.

Having stirred the opening for existence
perhaps too early to shout the name of Man,

The gods discuss amongst themselves whether they created Life too early, we're not ready for the responsibility in living: the evidence being war and monetary value applied to healing drugs amongst many other examples.

Desperate search for the blamed target
blindly aiming at the omnipotent innocent

These mini-gods bickering over Humanity claim not to be responsible, instead they blame a more true deity (though as yet undefined).

The urge for silence gently curved,
each life pushing towards fanaticism.

This true deity insists on silence or Truth, and the mini-gods twist the words because of their fanaticism – they cannot see the value in admitting responsibility. Perhaps that's to be the driving theme for this poem, to encourage people to accept responsibility for their actions.

Anomalous eruption flows freely forward
spreading exuberant lust.

The true deity (perhaps called Truth herself) overcomes the adversities through affection – and encourages the burgeoning Life on Earth. Remember, this piece starts with the stirring of new life, so good must eventually triumph.

See, here, the tenuous grip of cultured harmony
ingesting acrimonious talent and shouting.

Humanity doesn't generally learn from it's mistakes. The correcting influence of the true deity has made us feeble in ourselves – bickering and sinister, and in need of silencing.

Released, ominous rumbling coalesces to barbed conflagration
Presages of the compulsory surrender of the heights.

... and so the silencing occurs in the guise of a volcanic eruption:

Fire those green forests, let each cascading darkness
melt the next, and churn the earth to venom.

All the levelling happening here in this couplet, the anger rising from the Earth to shower down on the surface - a purging of the planet, perhaps.

Violating, each violent eruption looses its seed
into the world; emptied and well-prepared.

Calm serenity again, ready for the repopulation of the Earth, hopefully in a more fitting form.

---

It really is a pleasure working with you, and the extra time we've taken over this piece has really paid off in my opinion. I look forward very much to the next collaboration.

Regards,

James

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