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Vigilo — DFC 2: To Davy Jones' Locker
Published: 2011-12-17 03:31:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 603; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 14
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Description
Here the men sleep away their saids and waysin their ships of monochrome colours,
where propellers splutter salt waves,
the waves that wash over sleeping lovers.
Here where a ship drifts, she finds only that night
so deep and alone, for her brothers
will not see her trail on, in tired flight,
the waves that wash over sleeping lovers.
Here men search anxiously for sinking ships
with searchlights and boats to discover,
and swim across, at the move of their lips,
the waves that wash over sleeping lovers.
The sea snuffs out her men without a sound,
and how they sink down, under the covers –
below where waves sweep over the ground,
the waves that wash over sleeping lovers.
Here the breathing will find them tomorrow,
still sleeping, breathless in the sea gutter.
How they went down to the sand beds – below
the waves that wash over sleeping lovers.
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Comments: 9
Really beautiful. I love the refrain; it feels sweet and tranquil when taken by itself, but sad when read with the rest of the poem, in an understated way which I find far more effective than any kind of wailing lamentations.
I noticed, and puzzled over, the third stanza not starting with 'Here'; I'm in two minds as to whether it would work adding it to the beginning of the line, or whether it would disrupt the rhythm. This was the only thing that interrupted the flow for me. The imagery is absolutely gorgeous, enhanced by the clever use of rhyme. Great work.
This critique brought to you by Van Sledden. Merry Critmas! fav.me/ddmuyhk
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Man, i love the rhymes you used in this one. i had a bit of a problem with the way you presented some of your thoughts in this - mainly because i thought it could be more succinct in places to a much greater affect - but then realized your syllable limitations and completely understood the need for other words. I do love the thoughts you expressed though, and really brilliant idea to use what you did as the final line in each stanza: what an absolutely amazing line for just about anything, so perfect!
But ya, your piece definitely gets your story across, the fourth stanza is almost abrupt as far as how easy it is to understand in comparison to the stanzas around it - not necessarily in a bad way, just in a way.
The sea seems to be quite reoccurring in your writings methinks, doest i detect some type of unrequited love between the lines?
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I'm so glad you liked them! I love rhymes, I really do. And yeah, I'm afraid my wording was a bit mangled because of the syllable counts, but I'll try to brush up on that regardless when I have the time. I'm overjoyed (and of course extremely flattered!) that you thought the refrain was nice, thank-you so very much! I'm glad, glad, glad that you think so!
Hmm. I don't know if I want it to be abrupt. I'll read it over and see if it sounds badly to my ears, edit it if does, if not, I'll be a lazy poet and do sod all to change it.
Well done, Sherlock! I'm only waiting for the time when I'm old enough to get a job, then my aim is to get a house by the sea. S'my only real goal in life really, to be near by the sea! But I'm trying to write about something else, I wouldn't want to be repetitive. 
Thank you so much as always! You're, you're happifying and wonderful and amazing. 
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Of course you would post this the day after I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (My first PotC movie) 
I like the rhyming and repetition - it's very easy to read 
Mermaid attack!
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I'm glad! It is a bit melancholy (I'm so glad you think it is - I was aiming for that but I realised I had NO IDEA how to do melancholy) so, I'm very glad (and of course flattered) that you think so. Thank-you kindly, m'dear Norseman!
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I like your refrain here
There's only one point I can offer - you've started every stanza with 'here' apart from the fourth, which makes it stand out from the others a little. Was that intentional? I don't know if you could re-word it without messing up your syllable count, though, and it's only me nit-picking
'splutter salt waves' keeps sticking out at me - I think that's probably my favourite line. I've said it many times before, I'll say it again - you write the sea beautifully
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I'm so glad! Thank-you very much.
Ah, hell, I did NOT notice that here thing. Lordy. I'll edit that ASAP. I don't know why I skipped out the fourth stanza/made all the rest starting with "here". Drained for inspiration, I suppose. 
You're so nice to me. 
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Well, I read the comment before I read the poem, so I was already aware of the poem's content. 
I really like the refrain. Refrains are so hard to get right!
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I see!
And yes, refrains are TERRIBLE. I agree with you there. I agonised over the placement of the "the"s so much, ye gads. Terrible stuff, refrains. Especially with syllables. So I'm very glad you like it!
Thank-you lovely!
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